The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Toward the end of 2nd grade, my family moved to Kernersville, NC.  My parents, my three siblings, and I lived in the large loft area of my great uncle Terry's house.  All six of us.  In one room.  Two things I remember specifically about those four months were first, that I got chicken pox first and generously gave it to all my siblings.  And second, I remember watching the old black and white movie The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.  I only vaguely remember what it was about, but I have never forgotten the title.

Years later, when I was still pretty fresh into motherhood, I remember having a very strong feeling of inadequacy.  This is hard, I don't know what I'm doing, how can I make sure I do the right things for my kids, and on and on.  When I took the matter to my Heavenly Father in prayer, I felt a very clear reassurance through the Holy Spirit that God had given me my children because he knew exactly what they needed.  That my own personal gifts and talents would help to mold them into what He wanted them to be.

And now, fast-forward to today.  I'm experiencing some of those same feelings of inadequacy, but on a larger scale.  And in my pondering, it came to me that it is not just my own personal gifts and talents that mold my children.  My sins and weaknesses do too.

You see, I believe that God is omniscient.  He knows everything, including, but not limited to, what I'm going to do and what I'm not going to do.  In no way does he force me to do anything, he just knows.  And that knowledge, I believe, allows Him to orchestrate certain parts of our lives to our benefit.  I believe that "[His] work and [His] glory [is] to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). If we turn to Him, if we ask for help, He can give us blessings beyond our understanding.

So, yes, he sent my children to me; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He knew that my strengths would add to my children's experience.  But He also knew that my weaknesses would add to my children's experience.  He knows what struggles my children will need to have (sometimes because of me) not only to develop into the people He wants them to be, but also to have to learn how to turn to Him and our, Savior, Jesus Christ, when life is tough.  And it is one of my goals (and therefore, a personal strength?) to teach my children about Them.  I'm trying not to make horrible mistakes, but when I do slip up, I admit it to my children.  I ask for their forgiveness.  What better way to teach them about the forgiveness Christ offers?

So, Good? Bad? Ugly?  It's all good.

The Ultimate Career

The other day, I found myself in a conversation about work.  Bryan and one of his employees were talking about some of the issues that are ongoing at work.  I found myself unable to contribute to the conversation, only in part because it was specific to Bryan's work.  The other part is that I don't work.  My life doesn't have exhaustive parallels to what he does.  And when I try to be funny and insert a parallel (e.g. how many diapers did you change today?), it is absurdly unfunny.  At the end of the conversation, I felt frustrated that I couldn't participate in the conversation because I didn't have similar experiences to draw from.

It is hard, sometimes, to place a quantity or value on the work I do as a mother.  And it is hard for outsiders to really care about the simple and mundane things I do.  But as I pondered further, I explained to Bryan the the most important thing I did that day was to hold my toddler as she was waking up and groggy from her nap.  It's so hard to quantify the love and peace and safety she felt in that moment.  It is hard to quantify the relationships I'm building with each of my children, and it's hard to quantify the life lessons I am teaching them.

Raise your hand if either
1. You had a mother who loved and nurtured you and made you feel special?
2. Or you didn't, but wish you had?

Pretty much unanimous, right?  Society and media places so much emphasis on strong, sexy women.  They can have it all: kids, career, status.  And the same sources ignore or disparage motherhood as a career.  But deep down, we all know that everyone needs a mommy.

C.S. Lewis said, "The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career."  Sometimes it's hard for me, but I need to remember this.

Another quote I love is by Margaret D. Nadauld, who said, "Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity."

When I read this quote, I think of my mother.  She put her family first, and I always knew she loved me.  My hope is that I can develop these attributes, remember my ultimate purpose, and be proud of the career I have chosen: Motherhood.

Going Public

Years ago, I wrote a blog post, I don't even remember which.  And someone made critical comments.  So I changed the settings to Private.

Let me back up a bit.

I have been shy most of my life.  I remember not being shy in Kindergarten, maybe.  And compounding my shyness is anxiety.  I think most of it is nature, and some of it may have been compounded by nurture.

Either way, I really, I mean REALLY, worry about what other people think or say about me; or in the case of my blog, what someone said about my writing.

I wish I could just blow things off and let them go, but it is much harder to do than to say.

So I'm going out there on a limb.  I'm going to make my blog public.

You will find some of my inner workings and confessions here.  You will find my testimony.  You will find my treasures.  You will find my imperfections.

Most importantly, I hope that if you read my blog, you will come away thinking and saying about me that I love God and that I'm trying to follow His Son, Jesus Christ.

Folded Towel

To give just a bit of background to this story, I will have to admit that:

1. I like to watch crime shows.  Not the overly gory and over-sexualized ones, but things like Dateline and the old 1990s real-life forensics shows.

2. I can't keep my house clean by myself.  I just can't.  I can admit that now.  There I said it.  Over the summer, I chatted with my friend Karen about organization (a topic we are both interested in), and she let me know that she has a side business helping people with that.  So in the fall I hired her to come help me declutter and clean out my house.  When we were all done, I realized that I lacked the motivation to keep it that way; so I hired her to come back and help me clean on a regular basis.  Now my house is mostly clean once a week for about an hour before the kids get home from school.  (Don't get me wrong, my kids still have to do chores and help around the house; I didn't let them off that easy!)

Often, when Karen comes, I let her do all the stuff I don't want to do (toilets and kitchen) while I vacuum, declutter, and put away laundry.  So yesterday, I was working on a pile of towels that had been washed, dried, and dumped on my bedroom floor.  As I was going through the towels, I came across a towel that had already been folded.  I must have folded it, forgotten about it, and dumped it into the pile without realizing (or caring?).  When I came across the towel, I knew I must have folded it; or at least someone did.  It couldn't have just magically dropped in such a perfect way as to end up with three folds producing a (nearly) perfect square.  It seems so obvious that the simple explanation is that the towel was already folded before it landed in the pile.

Many of the crime shows I have watched show how forensics can prove that someone was somewhere doing something.  The prosecution can suggest with near certainty that someone was somewhere doing something.  That the chances of the evidence being there without someone doing something is impossible.  Therefore, they solve crimes, criminals get convicted, and balance is restored.

As I pondered the folded towel, it was clear to me that I had folded the towel and dropped it in the pile.  It was not really a question of if, more a question of when and why.

So why is it so hard for some people to believe in God?  If a rectangular towel, folded three times, can't land in a pile neatly, then how can you explain more complex systems we see in the universe all the time?  What about the planets, the stars, the solar systems, and the galaxies?  What about the telescopes and photography that allow us to see them?  What about atoms and molecules and chemicals?  What about organic systems like reproduction, digestion, respiration, circulation, nervous; just to name a few?  If my towel didn't just drop neatly into three folds, then how could our world, with all its complexities, just drop neatly into place?

It brings new meaning to the scripture that "all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator" (Alma 30:44).

I do believe in God.  I believe that it is clearly apparent that He is there/here.  All we have to do is look around us, and we can see that He is in all things; He is watching over us.

Bad DAY

I had a really hard day on Friday.  I was dealing with some disappointment, I was dealing with a lack of sleep, and I was feeling lonely.  But I learned two things.

1. I told Bryan that I really wished that someone would feel prompted to call me.  That it's really frustrating, sometimes, when everyone thinks you must be okay because you go to church every week and put on a smiling face.  Well, Sunday came, and my friend told me that she thought about calling me several times, but she was sick.  While I'm sad that she didn't act on those promptings, I knew that Heavenly Father had sent them.  And I know that he loves me.

2. It really was only a day.  In the past, I have gotten sucked into depression because I let my sad feelings linger and take hold of me.  I'm learning, and sometimes succeeding, how to let a bad day be just one day.  I'm learning how to recognize that the feelings don't last, that life moves on, and I can let go and move on.  This is the perfect example of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He is making me more than I can be on my own.

Three Secrets to Success in Marriage

You have seen headlines like this, and you may have even clicked on the link to read the story.  The longer a couple has been married, their secrets carry a lot more weight.  I've been thinking about this, and I've been comparing it to the proliferation of books and movies of the genre Romance.  Almost always, the perfect but quirky girl finds the perfect but quirky guy, there is some kind of miscommunication, they get over it, they fall in love, and get married (pre 1990s only).  The story always stops there, but I always find myself imagining the babies they'll have and how their love will grow and grow until they are writing an article to share their special secrets of how it all worked.  And the truth about love is that the infatuation and excitement and honeymoon end.

I feel that the movies and books on romance send a message that love is always supposed to feel new.  And when it doesn't anymore, it makes you wonder if you are missing something.  In fact, the movies, and even real life reflect that: we fell out of love, we grew apart, something changed; so now we are going to peacefully separate and go our different ways.

I even feel the slightest bit irritated when people post Facebook statuses (stati?) about how they are still "so in love" after all these years, and they make it sound like they have found the fountain of youthful-marriage.

Here's the thing: I love my husband!  It is fun to think about when it was new, it helps to freshen up the mundane.  But my love for him has changed into something a bit more mature.  If I could offer one secret, it would be this: marry your best friend.  Attraction is good, and it has its place; but make sure that you enjoy each other in many, many other ways.  Bryan is my best friend in every sense.  We still occasionally feel surprised that we never run out of things to talk about.  And sometimes we talk about the same old things, but it is still not boring.  I love to know what he is thinking about and how he views things.  When we are apart, we still look forward to being together again.

The second secret, get ready for it! is forgiveness.  Living together all the time, having children, the fact that you are actually two different people with two different sets of experiences means that occasionally you will hurt one another, you will be irritated, and you will be frustrated.  When you choose (yes! it's a choice!) to forgive, and when you choose (yes! another choice!) to repent (feel bad, be sorry, and change for the better), the marriage gets stronger.

And last, but not least, is Christ.  A marriage is a triangle with Christ at the top, and the husband and wife taking each of the other corners.  As each spouse comes closer to Christ, they come closer to each other.  It takes effort, but it is worth it.

I'm not claiming, in any way, that our marriage is perfect.  It's not even close.  But I feel like it is pretty successful.

I feel very blessed to have Bryan as a husband.  He is really great.  He has so many gifts and talents that I don't have.  I know this sounds cliche, but he complements me.  He fills in my holes, and he inspires me to be better.  He is kind, he is smart, and he has great legs.  Just kidding.  Actually, no, I'm not kidding.

Just Call Me Debbie

I had a mental health counselor in Coeur d'Alene that really helped me through a lot of things.  One thing she said I will never forget: "What you resist will persist."  In other words, if you run or hide or avoid or distract yourself from your negative thoughts, they eventually catch up to you.  But if you turn and face them, name them, there is usually a way to move beyond.

I have been seeing a pattern in my depression this year.  It usually occurs at the end of the day on special holidays.  Particularly Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday.  As I have faced it, I discovered a name for it.  Loneliness.

My counselor suggested that you are at higher risk for depression when you are H.A.L.T.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  I find that I am very susceptible to Tired, but I've also found that Loneliness is the worst for me.  My train of thought goes something like this:

I feel lonely=Nobody wants me=I should disappear.

While I'm not suicidal, I do feel a strong urge to withdraw from everyone.

What's hard about these holidays is that I know they're coming, and I dread them.  I can't seem to face the oncoming train.  It's also hard to be separated from all family and close friends.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  But when I did, I felt surprisingly better.  I had a good cry last night, wore myself out, slept until 8:30, and I felt like I could manage the day.  The kids were really helpful in picking up the house with pretty good attitudes.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I just have to get through Christmas.

If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.  It is spoken by Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who is bragging about her taste in music.

I am a really good singer.  When I open my mouth to sing and the acoustics are accommodating, I have some mad skills.

I struggled in college.  All of the singers were crazy-talented, and there was a lot of competition.  It was hard, but it was also great.  It made you work.  My senior year was extremely demanding, and I accomplished some things I never thought I could (and still don't know how I did).

I took a class, I don't remember exactly which, where we did a lot of reading about singing and careers.  I remember reading an article that basically said I didn't have what it takes.  It listed some specific skills that I knew I didn't have, and I was so offended.  It really bothered me at the time because I had worked soooo hard academically and in the practice room.

But it was right.  And it has taken me a lot of years to accept it and understand why.

I hate competition.  I hate being compared.  I hate being judged.  These are all essential parts of show-biz, and they all go against every introverted fiber of my being.

I think I thought that I would grow out of the introversion.  To a point, the more you perform (and you perform A LOT in college), the easier it gets.  But it certainly comes more naturally for some than others.  And I found out that I wouldn't grow out of my anxiety.  I manage it (sometimes better than other times), but it will always be a part of me.

So my continual struggle is what to do with my talents.  I spent a lot of years developing them.  Blood, sweat, tears, and college tuition were my sacrifice.  I love to sing, and I love to perform, but I fear the criticism.

And I had six children.  I knew, through the Spirit of God, that my children were my path.  And they still are.  But as my children get older, I find myself constantly facing the question of what I'm going to do next.  I've dreamed of going back to college and getting more degrees, but I don't really have a solid plan for afterward.

I don't know what to do next, and that really bothers me.  It seems like everyone else knows what they are doing, and what they are going to do, with their lives.  I envy that confidence.

I will always wonder: if I had gone further with my education, would I be a great proficient?  My dreams are morphing, but into what?  It is really hard to set goals without the end in mind.  I feel very frustrated, not knowing.

I've asked Heavenly Father, many times, why he would pair such a strength with such a weakness.  It still has not been revealed to me.  For now, I will just have faith that someday I will know why; and that someday I will know what to do with it.

Friends

It has been a long time since I've posted here, but I think I'm ready to start blogging again.  No, I need to start blogging again.  It is cathartic for me, and it almost feels like the blog itself is an understanding friend.

I have been lonely and depressed since we moved, on and off.  It seems like every time I finally feel connected to someone, they draw back.  I don't think I'm the needy, ever-present, annoying kind of friend; but I can't seem to retain friendships.

I have met and conversed with a lot of different people since we moved here.  I am on good terms with all of them, and I would introduce most of them as my friends.  But it stays superficial; it doesn't go deeper.  I am introverted, and I keep a lot of my "stuff" to myself.  I would say it is very difficult for me to open up to others unless they prove to me that they are "safe."  Even then, it feels like a gamble: will they still like me after I expose my weaknesses?

So, in my loneliness, I made two lists.  First, I made a list of people I know here.  Because I'm a shy, stay-at-home mom, I don't actually know very many people.  But on that list, I would say I've really only spent a fair amount of time with four of them.  Two of them I'm only a bit more comfortable with.

The second list was the people who I would consider my best friends from the past.  There are three friends, plus my mom and my sister, to whom I have felt particularly close.  When I have reconnected with these wonderful women, I feel a deep love and admiration for them.  I wondered if these special people had traits in common, traits that draw me to them time and time again.  I came up with four qualities off the top of my head.

1. Humble.  These women do not have pride.  They are not pretentious.  They are genuinely humble.

2. Listen.  These women know how to listen, not just hear.  They are not making judgments, and they are not thinking of what they might say next.

3. Charity.  These women know how to love.  Even in my weaknesses, they still love me.  My weaknesses don't turn them off; they are compelled to stay with me and keep loving me.

4. Sweet.  These women have some ethereal quality (that evades me) of pure sweetness.

Really, all of these qualities seem to be on a spectrum.  They all go together, like it's one quality with different functions.

So even though I'm lonely today, and on the verge of depression (again), I am writing this down so that I can commit to working on these qualities myself.  These women are loved by everyone who knows them, and they are admired deeply by me.  I pray that I can learn how to assimilate these qualities by emulating them.

How I Keep My House Clean (As If!)

It happened once, a few weeks ago.  My family was out of town (that's the key).  And I paid my friend to come help me clean.  I had about 3 hours of Clean House before my family arrived home.  The end.  (Ha!)

Recently, my sister posted a status on Facebook that went something like this, "I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a clean house."  Sis, the simple answer is nope.

But I've been thinking about your plight; and in the 12.5 years I've been married (11 since I've had children), it has been a constant struggle for me.  Not just a struggle to actually get it done, but a mental struggle of why it must be so.

The reasons of why I probably have listed on another blog post somewhere.  Briefly, here are my two major reasons:  1) it's safer, and 2) you know where stuff is.

So now, here is the answer to how I get it done, imperfectly:

1. I have finite time and limited energy.  That means that I get to choose one major activity per day.  Sometimes that's cleaning.  Other times it's playing, shopping, running errands, etc.  I get to choose one.  So I have to consciously recognize that on those other days, I'm not a failure at keeping my house clean.  I just did something else that day.

2. I have to let things go.  Sometimes cleaning isn't the most important priority.  And sometimes my "helpers" aren't as thorough or efficient as I would wish, but I have to choose to be happy that it is better than it was.

3. I have "helpers."  I cannot possibly clean up after, cook for, and otherwise nurture  6 (soon to be 7) other people (and still have time to take care of myself too!).  So each person has to carry an appropriately-sized load.  The bigger kids have more responsibilities than the younger kids.

4. Over the years, I had to get more and more organized out of necessity.  I certainly didn't start out that way.  Some books that really helped me learn organizing principles are Lose 200lbs. This Weekend and Make Your House Do the Housework, both by Don Aslett.  The first is about how to declutter.  The number-one take-away from this book is that if you don't use it, don't keep it.  There are only a few exceptions to that rule (such as food storage, children's clothing if you plan to grow your family, seasonal decorations and clothing, and memorabilia).  The second book is about organizing your house to cut back on the amount of work it takes to clean it.  This is accomplished in two ways: 1) the materials you use to construct your house (not always practical, especially if you didn't construct your house or just that you don't currently have the $ to upgrade), and 2) systems you put in place to make things run more efficiently.  The number-one take-away from this book is that you need to brainstorm and get creative to both recognize and solve the problems that are organizationally frustrating to you.

So here are a few tips that I have gleaned from others and/or created on my own:

• Recently, we assigned each kid a color-coded cup and bowl.  They are responsible for rinsing them out and putting them in the drying rack for later use.  I wash them once a day.  This one simple thing has cut back drastically on the amount of dishes we wash.
• I stopped folding laundry a while ago, for the most part.  I wash it, dry it, and sort it into each person's basket.  The kids are responsible for putting away their clothes (folding and hanging) and returning their baskets to me.  The big kids help the little kids.  We also have separate laundry hampers for each kid, and they are responsible for sorting their dirty laundry for me to wash.
• We have lots of toys.  I regularly sort out the ones the kids don't play with, but we still have a lot.  I sorted them into bins based on type, and I put them away in a locked closet.  The idea is to rotate through the toys.  I try not to let them get new toys out until they put the old ones away.  At the very least, this keeps them from dumping all of the toys out at once.  We are still working on learning how to clean up after we are done playing.
• We have daily chores.  You will hear me in the morning say this phrase: "Get dressed, make your bed, clean your room."  A short time later, "Did you put your lunch in your backpack?  Did you put your homework in your backpack?  Are your shoes on?  Did you brush your hair and brush your teeth?  Are you completely ready for the day?"  The consistency of the routine keeps things organized and helps us be punctual.  Often, the older kids don't need the reminders, and the younger kids like to report what they've done without being asked.  They have other rotating chores, and those are addressed as a second priority on a daily basis.
• I sort through the mail as soon as it reaches my hands.  I throw away the junk and the unsealed envelopes.  I pay the bills online immediately, and I file the important papers.
• I hang things.  This keeps things off the floor.  It also gives things a place.  I recently hammered some nails into the wall by the garage for us to hang our keys.  When used properly (ha!), we don't lose our keys.  It's not pretty, but it's efficient.
• I label drawers and bins.  This also gives things a place.  It is helpful in many places, such as toys, currently unused clothes, food storage, bathroom and cleaning supplies, etc.
• We have weekly jobs.  There are certain things that we only do on Saturdays, like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, and yard work.  Tuesday, we gather the garbages for trash pick-up day.  Saturdays and Tuesdays usually end up being laundry days.
• We have spring cleaning, which involves major decluttering.  We usually have two piles: one for the dump, and one for giving away.

This is definitely not an exhaustive list of all the things I've tried.  My house is usually not clean.  But when I am more on top of it, I'm usually only an hour away from it being pretty clean.

What other things have you tried that have given you success in keeping a clean house?

Our God, to Whom We Turn

Our God, to whom we turn
When weary, weary with illusion,
Whose stars serenely burn
Above this earth’s confusion,
Thine is the mighty plan,
The steadfast order sure
In which the world began,
Endures, and will endure.

Thou art Thyself the truth;
Though we who fain would find Thee,
Have tried, with thoughts uncouth,
In feeble words to bind Thee,
It is because Thou art
We’re driven to the quest;
Till truth from falsehood part,
Our souls can find no rest.

All beauty speaks of Thee:
The mountains and the rivers,
The line of lifted sea,
Where spreading moonlight quivers,
The deep-toned organ blast
That rolls through arches dim,
Hints of the music vast
Of Thine eternal hymn.

Wherever goodness lurks
We catch Thy tones appealing;
Where man for justice works
Thou art Thyself revealing;
The blood of Man, for man
On friendship’s altar spilt,
Betrays the mystic plan
On which Thy house is built.

Thou hidden fount of love,
Of peace, and truth, and beauty,
Inspire us from above
With joy and strength for duty.
May Thy fresh light arise, arise
Within each clouded heart,
And give us open eyes
To see Thee as Thou art.

To see Thee as Thou art.

-Edward Grubb (1925)

How to Remember Everything You Need at the Store

Okay, so this never actually works for me.  I still always forget something.  And I usually remember at a point when I am unwilling to go back to get the thing I forgot.

I usually start with a mental list of things I need, including the things I forgot last time.  By the time the list gets to about four things, I will no longer remember everything unless I write it down.  But by the time I write it down, some of those things have already slipped my mind.  So then I feel compelled to go through sub-category lists.  Do you do this?

First, FOOD.  What do I need for:
breakfasts
lunches
packed lunches
dinners
snacks
treats
drinks
food storage
etc.

Second, PERSONAL ITEMS.  Do I need (top to bottom):
shampoo
conditioner
soap
razors
contact supplies
q-tips
tissues
tooth care items
chapstick
makeup
deodorant
lotion
etc.

Third, CLOTHING and ACCESSORIES for:
Me
Bryan
Caleb
Savanna
Joseph
Isaac
Benjamin (including diapers and wipes)

Fourth, do I need items for my HOUSE:
kitchen
living rooms
bedrooms
bathrooms
outside
etc.

Fifth, I walk through each DEPARTMENT of the store in my mind to jog my memory of what else needs to be on the list:
hardware
toys
office supplies
home
electronics
jewelry
pharmacy
shoes
garden
auto
crafts
etc.

Sixth, is there anything that is IRREGULAR or RANDOM that I need?
gifts for birthday parties
chains for my tires
photo prints
etc.

And then I still always forget something.  And often I remember something as I walk past it in the store, which means I have a hard time sticking to my list.

Also, 7 people are expensive.

The end.

Cantatastrophe

Can-ta-ta: (noun) a medium-length narrative piece of music for voices with instrumental accompaniment, typically with solos, chorus, and orchestra.

Ca-tas-tro-phe: (noun) an event causing great and often sudden damage or suffering; a disaster; the final event of the dramatic action, especially of a tragedy.

Hierarchy of the Drama:

J’s husband: counselor in That Stake Presidency (I am in This Stake)

J: Stake Music Chair

Me: Musical Director (this year)

R: Musical Director (last year); orchestra specialist (this year)

D: Marketing and PR

S: choir member

On Christmas Eve 2013, D mentioned that her stake was organizing an Easter Cantata.  She encouraged me to participate, even though I am in a different stake.  In February 2014, I began attending rehearsals.  At the very first rehearsal, I noticed that the pages were not numbered properly, and I expressed my concern to the director R that it could become confusing and waste rehearsal time.  I suggested that we take a few minutes and number the pages together during rehearsal.  He rejected my idea, saying that the ordering of the pages would make more sense to me as we went along.

Very soon after, D called me and asked me if I would teach the children’s choir.  I said yes.  I found out much later that S had already been asked to teach the children, but D didn’t think S would be available to do it.  I never did know how the change was handled or how it was received.  I hoped that S wasn't offended.  I had to forego regular rehearsals to rehearse the children.  In the meantime, D continuously micromanaged my rehearsals with the children.  In the last weeks, I brought the children into the end of the rehearsals to practice with R and the adult choir.

I found out pretty quickly that R didn’t seem to have a lot of conducting experience, no choral experience, and little experience with children.  It was obvious that the children were struggling to follow him, and he was struggling to lead them in a way that was clear to them.

I wanted to direct the children in the performances, mirroring his actions; because I knew I could follow him, and I knew the children could follow me.  In the end, R again rejected my suggestion; he and D ended up asking another woman with little musical directing experience to mirror his conducting in the performance.

I also auditioned for a solo.  I auditioned for three people: R, D, and J.  At the audition, some of the people trying out were not prepared, so R asked if we wanted to postpone the audition.  In my opinion, that is unprofessional.  You should set a date, and people should be prepared by that date.  I didn’t want to have to come to another night to audition when I was prepared the first night.  Again, my suggestion was rejected.  The other problem with the three judges was that they couldn’t agree on who should get the solos, and they did not end up choosing the people who were best suited for the parts because of political correctness.  I did end up with a solo.  And I was the strongest soprano in the choir, according to R (even though I had missed so many rehearsals because of the children’s choir).  For those two reasons, R did not want me to also conduct the children in the performance because he felt that it would be too much movement on stage.

In the midst of the whole process, J began alluding that she might be interested in having me conduct the entire cantata next year.  I inferred that she didn’t think R’s skills were quite up to par.

The performances occurred.  There were many moments that I cringed because of the lack of preparedness of the choir, the orchestra, the director, the children (who still couldn’t follow another adult, who was following R), and just generally wrong notes and missed entrances.  I’m not sure how it sounded to the untrained ear, but it was awful at moments to my own.

Following the performances, J tried to gather all of the leaders for a post-production review.  R wouldn’t make time.  D wouldn’t make time.  It took over two months for all of us to gather.  In that meeting, R was asked how much time he had spent preparing and executing the production.  It was astronomical amounts of time.  He was asked how he would feel about sharing the load.  His response: “It would make my wife happy.”

Soon after, J’s husband informed me that their stake presidency and my stake presidency had approved my calling as the musical director for next year.  I began preparing and contemplating the schedule I would need to ready myself for the task.  I felt like, if R was willing, we could share the load.  I could prepare the chorus.  He could prepare the orchestra.  And we could share the responsibilities of conducting in the performance 50/50.  I felt that it was a very reasonable compromise.  J again tried to call a meeting with all the leaders; R wouldn’t make time; D wouldn’t make time.  We had a meeting without them.  The following month, R finally decided to make an appearance.  He dismissed my proposal that we split the responsibilities.  I asked him how he envisioned it, and he said he only wanted me to prepare the chorus.  He would conduct the performances.

If you’ll remember, that is exactly the frustration I had had with the children’s chorus.  I had prepared the children, he had conducted the performances, and I was ousted completely from the job.  All of my hard work was lost with this inexperienced conductor.  All of my future work would also be lost.

I had two conflicting feelings.  One, that I didn’t need the cantata:  I didn’t need the drama it created; and I didn’t need the cantata responsibilities just to stroke my ego.  And two, that I shouldn’t allow R to bully me.  It was (going to be) my calling, and not his.

The next day J and her husband came to visit me to do some damage control and to see how I felt about the interaction with R.  I explained that I couldn’t see how R and I could work together since he showed no willingness to compromise.

Soon after, J and her husband went to meet with R.  He told them that he was still unwilling to share the responsibility of conducting the performances because “if he didn’t conduct, his standing in the community would go down.”

I was worried that R would sabotage the whole thing if he didn't get his way.  Those with whom I discussed the situation doubted my fears.  Surely, he wouldn't do that.  No one would do that!

I discussed the anxiety I had with my mental health counselor.  She said that this story was familiar, that it reminded her of the war in heaven.  That one offered to do the task, but he wanted the glory for himself.  And Another offered to do the task, and the glory would be the Father’s.  I started to think that maybe I really did need the cantata; that it could be an opportunity to glorify my Savior.  My counselor suggested that I write down my feelings in a way that shed light on the darkness, and be prepared to share those feelings in the next cantata meeting.  I started thinking about what I should write/say.  But I never had the chance.

R and D went to the other Stake’s President, behind J’s back, to explain their feelings about how things should go.  President B was not happy that they did not go through the correct channels to express their concerns (J and her husband).  R and D had already begun amassing their own followers.  And R’s mother had even signed a restraining order against J, saying that “J was the worst thing that had ever happened to her family.”

President B decided that the drama had reached levels of insanity (my word, not his) and tabled the whole thing.  I spoke with him recently, and he said his stake might try it again in December 2015.  He said he was not even sure which of the leaders would even be interested in participating at that point.  He was sorry that I had been caught up in the drama.

What he didn’t say was even more telling to me.  He didn’t say, “and we hope that you will still consider being a part of this.”  He implied that he really didn’t think he needed to change anything about the cantata as it stands.  He said he would form an activities committee to organize the cantata.  He did not give me an opportunity to state my case or share my feelings.

I don’t know how that will turn out.  The leadership in such an endeavor really should be musically skilled.  And I wonder if such a committee, unaware of the drama that exists, would ask R to conduct again since he would be the obvious choice, having done it before.  And then, would such an appointment be approved by the stake presidency?

I am not a dramatic person.  I like to avoid confrontation.  I was unwittingly pulled into this drama.  I feel that the biggest point of contention actually became whether or not I would conduct.  So I feel uncomfortable that the drama revolved around me, when I felt that I was more of a bystander.

I have washed my hands of the whole thing.  I am now completely unwilling to participate in or promote a cantata in which Satan grabbed the hearts of men.  I have other things to do.  I have other goals and prospects, and I choose to be in places where I can be respected.  All of my skills and talents aside, I should be respected because I’m a person.

I know I’m a daughter of God.  I know He has a plan for me.  I hope that He will give me opportunities to serve and share my testimony with the talents He has given me.  And I pray that I can learn from this situation what I can do better, and what not to do in the future.

Postpartum Depression

I started my period last week.

It has been 19 months since I last menstruated, between being pregnant and nursing.

I knew I was depressed.  Really, really depressed.  I knew that postpartum hormones were, in part, to blame.

Other factors contributed: lack of sleep (always a big one for me), life's normal ups and downs, anxiety and depression as a part of my normal existence, loneliness, and Satan.

There were moments I felt frightened because of the thoughts in my head.  I felt like it would never end; that the deep depression was here to stay.  All of my negative thoughts and feelings were magnified tenfold.

I am grateful for the kind people who listened to my pain:

First, and foremost, my husband.  He was always there for me, even though I'm sure he didn't understand it.  He reminded me, over and over, that he knew who I really was beneath the sludge of depression.

Second, my mom and my sister.  They know me.  They understand me.  They have lifted me with their words and love.

Third, my friends A. and J.  Each, in her own way, listened without judging.  Each threw out life preservers at times when I needed it the most.  They checked in with me often, and they distracted me regularly.

With my hormones seemingly returning to normal, I feel like myself again.  The fog has lifted, and I remember now who I really am.  That wasn't me.

When it's time to do this all over again, I will get counseling before the depression settles in to make a home in my brain.

Baptisms for the Dead

When I was ten, I had a conversation with a girl named Claire.  She said that premarital sex was a good idea.  I testified that you shouldn't have sex before marriage.  She responded, "That's gross!"  I never forgot that conversation because it was so strange to me that she thought abstinence was gross, while I thought premarital sex was gross.

Claire lived in my neighborhood, and we rode the bus to school together.  But I really don't remember talking to her again after that.  We had different friends, we had different classes, and there really was never another opportunity to talk with her.

I found out that Claire was killed about a year ago in a house fire.  Her young son was killed with her.  I am heartbroken for a woman I barely knew, for her child, and for her friends and family.  They must be suffering from their tragic loss.

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father.  I believe He would create a world and a plan that would allow for the salvation of all of His children, if they would just choose to follow His plan.

I believe that we lived with Heavenly Father as spirits before we were born.  We needed to progress from that state; Heavenly Father's plan was to send us to Earth, give us bodies, give us the ability to choose, and allow us to be tested.  We would be taught the commandments, but we wouldn't remember our premortal life; so we would have to live by faith.  Heavenly Father knew that our ability to choose would mean that we would often make poor choices.  And if "no unclean thing" can dwell with God (1 Nephi 10:21), we would never be able to progress and return to His presence.  So we would be given a Savior, who would suffer the ultimate penalty for our sins; so that we wouldn't have to suffer, so that we could be made clean again, and so that we could return to live with Heavenly Father.  One came forward, offering to be the Savior; he would force men to make good choices, and he would keep the glory for himself.  It was Lucifer, the son of the morning, or Satan.  Another came forward, offering to be the Savior; He would follow Heavenly Father's plan of agency (or free choice), and give the glory to the Father.  It was Jesus Christ.  The Father chose Jesus Christ, and Satan was angry.  He had many followers, and all who continued to rebel against the Father's plan were cast out.  They would not be given an earthly experience, they would never receive bodies, and they could never progress from their current state.  They were angry, and Satan and his followers would become devils: tempting all mankind in diverse ways to cause them to stray from the straight and narrow path back to heaven.

Heavenly Father's plan is simple.  We would be given commandments.  And we would be given priesthood ordinances necessary to turn our hearts toward Christ.  First, we would need to have faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.  Second, we would need to repent of our sins.  Third, we would need to be baptized for the remission of sins.  Fourth, we would need to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (as a constant companion, as long as we remain worthy).  Finally, we would need to receive the ordinances of the temple: washing and anointing (a physical and spiritual cleansing), endowment (a gift of added power to overcome worldly things), and eternal marriage (not 'til death do you part, but a union that will continue after this life).

Following this life, we will be judged.  Heavenly Father will determine whether we kept the commandments or not and whether we repented or not.  Those who kept all the commandments (or at least repented when they did not) and who received all the ordinances required, will be offered a place in the Celestial Kingdom (the place where God dwells).  Those who lived good lives but did not choose to do everything required of them, will be offered a place in the Terrestrial Kingdom.  Those who lived evil lives and refused to repent will be offered a place in the Telestial Kingdom.  (These are described in 1 Corinthians 15:40-41 as sun, moon, and stars.)

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father.  I believe He did create a plan in which most of His children could be saved, and even exalted.  How can this be, if so many of His children wouldn't know His commandments, let alone receive all the necessary ordinances?  He provided a way!

After we die, our spirits are sent to the Spirit World.  There, all of Heavenly Father's children who didn't have the opportunity in life will be taught the gospel (what a fair and loving Heavenly Father!).  But those spirits will not have physical bodies, so they will not be able to receive the physical ordinances required to be exalted.  They are stuck.  But Heavenly Father provided the doctrine of ordinances for the dead, by proxy.  In the temple, worthy living people can do the work for and in behalf of those who are dead.  The Apostle Paul asked the Corinthians, "Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?"  But Christ is risen!  And the dead will rise!  So we need to be baptized, etc., for the dead!  Then, the dead will be allowed to accept or reject the ordinances done on their behalf.  Heavenly Father still allows them to choose.

Recently, I heard two separate stories of women (here and here) who were missing.  After many days of searching, both were found alive.  Each had been in an automobile accident, veered off into a ditch or ravine, and had become pinned in their cars.  Their loved ones had been frantically searching for them and just couldn't see them from their vantage points.  These women were stuck and in desperate need of rescue.

This is how I view the Spirit World.  There are many souls who are stuck.  They cannot progress.  They are dammed, or damned.  They cannot move forward without help.  They are in desperate need of rescue.  They are waiting for us, the living, to do their work.  How many millions, maybe billions, of our ancestors have been waiting for a long, long time for their ordinances to be done?  This is why genealogy is so important: "And [Elijah] will turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers" (Malachi 4:6).

Heavenly Father is real!  He provided a perfect plan!  He loves all of His children!  He has provided a way for all those children to return to Him.  It is not a "Get out of Jail Free" card that He offers.  We must obey the commandments, we must receive the ordinances, and we must repent.  Through the mercy of Jesus Christ, we can all be "saved" and exalted and receive all that the Father hath.  Both the living and the dead.

And Claire?  I like to think that she is being taught the gospel in the Spirit World.  I wonder if, when she watches the proverbial video of her life, she will remember me.  I wonder if she will remember our conversation.  I wonder if she will appreciate a ten-year-old testifying about the law of chastity, or if she will be sad that I didn't try to teach her more.  More than anything, I hope that she will accept the gospel.  I hope that her living family can accept the gospel and perform the ordinances for her.  She is waiting, and she may be waiting a long time, before she can fully enjoy the blessings of heaven.

Why are Mormons missionaries?  Because we want all of our brothers and sisters to enjoy the hope and happiness we look forward to.

I know that if you study the scriptures and pay attention to the good feelings which come from the Holy Ghost, you can know the truth of all things.  "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" (James 1:5).

One of the most valuable scriptures to me is the Book of Mormon.  It is a wonderful book written by prophets in the ancient Americas.  It clarifies so many important points of doctrine.  I feel the spirit of the Lord when I read it.  Would you like a free copy?  I can get you one.  And if you want to get started before your hard copy arrives, you can find it here.

I Love You A Bushel and a Peck

This is a song that we have sung to our children at bedtime; my parents sang it to me.  I just learned that there are two more verses:

I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck
A hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap
A barrel and a heap and I'm talkin' in my sleap
About you, about you
I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle doodle doodle, doodle doodle doodle,
Doodle doodle doodle-ee doo!

I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and you make my heart a wreck
Make my heart a wreck and you make my life a mess
Make my life a mess, yes! A mess of happiness
About you, about you
I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle doodle doodle, doodle doodle doodle,
Doodle doodle doodle-ee doo!

I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and it beats me all to heck
Beats me all to heck how I'll ever tend the farm
Ever tend the farm when I wanna keep my arm
About you, about you
I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle doodle doodle, doodle doodle doodle,
Doodle doodle doodle-ee doo!

Stay-at-Home Mom: A Letter to My Beloved Sister-In-Law

Hey, Patty,

I don't remember making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was one of those things that was always a part of me; I would bet that my mom instilled those desires in me as a small child.  I was always taught that I needed to get a degree in case I would ever need to provide for my family, but my mom expressed the importance of the mother being in the home.

So when we started our family, I really didn't have to think about it.

Then I started really struggling with my identity.  I was taken from the spotlight (literally) and thrown into the backstage of motherhood.  I'm not sure that struggle has ever left me entirely.  I spend my days taking care of other people and their needs, and often my needs go unmet.  It is NOT a glamorous calling.  It is hard.

I have often second-guessed my decision to stay home.  And then I look at my kids.  Really look at them.  And I see the progress that I HELPED THEM MAKE!  What a reward!  Sometimes even that doesn't help, and I have to reach out (like you are) for validation that what I am doing is important.  Sometimes that validation comes from scriptures, sometimes from prayer, sometimes from other people, sometimes from prophets and apostles, always from the Holy Ghost.

I see plenty of women in my ward who choose (sometimes from necessity) to work.  Those who have to work wish they didn't have to.  Those who want to work usually do it because they need to have an identity outside of the home.  I don't work right now, but I do try to find activities (usually a choir) just for me.  I spend a few hours each week doing it, and it replenishes that need for identity.

I have always hoped/planned to do something when all my kids are in school.  I don't think I could manage a full-time or even part-time job.  I think I will need the flexibility to be here for my children when things come up.  What I really want is to add something to society.  I might consider going back for more education, or maybe just find a way to volunteer and help people.  I would feel so unproductive if I just stayed home all by myself during the day.  I might consider getting a job if things worked out just right.

The benefits of being home.  Hm.  I think the most obvious benefit is that I do a lot of work here.  If I had to work outside the home, I would always feel the stress of also taking care of the household.  How does a woman who works find time to do housework?  That must be so hard!  But the clothes have to get washed, dishes cleaned, homework done, meals cooked, etc.

Another benefit is that I have the opportunity to teach my children.  Someone else isn't teaching them values, I am!  And I have ample time to be consistent and make sure my expectations are very clear.  I have lots of time to read with them, to hug and kiss them, to listen to them, to teach them to work, and to love them!  I get to do a lot of encouraging.  We also often have opportunities to talk about the gospel.  Mainly, I have TIME with them!  And I can greatly influence them.  And I can make sure I don't miss anything important, or miss teaching them something important. 

I feel that my kids are pretty well balanced.  They are happy, healthy, smart, have testimonies, and are not-too-selfish.  I hope that these are some of the things that I have accomplished by staying at home.

I find that attending the temple regularly helps me to reset my eternal perspective.  What, exactly, is this life really about?  If it is about living the gospel and striving for an eternal family, what should I do to accomplish the eternal goal?  Can I sacrifice a job/money/identity at least a little bit to help my children have testimonies?  To be prepared to be missionaries/wives/husbands/mothers/fathers of their own family someday?

I really appreciate the opportunity you gave me to think about this.  It seems like I regularly need a reminder of why I do what I do.

Love,
Brianne

XVII. Benjamin

 I was induced with Benjamin.  I don't think I've ever gone into labor on my own.  My babies have each been a good healthy size, and I'm not sure I ever want to go overdue and then try to deliver a huge baby.  And inductions seem to work well for me.  Except this time, the baby was sunnyside-up.  And with no epidural, it was exhausting, difficult, painful, never-ending transition.

 Have I ever told you that I LOVE BABIES?!  I love everything about them!  When this stage of my life is over, I will be really sad.

 Don't let that adorable face fool you!  Benjamin has actually been my hardest baby.  It could be that he didn't sleep well for a LONG time.  I was holding him almost all day for 5 months.  He was actually a very happy baby, as long as I was holding him.  He spits up (all my babies have) like no other.  The reflux could have been interfering with his sleep, and then his over-tiredness perpetuated a bad pattern.  It could be that I had 4 other children to take care of, so there weren't enough opportunities for me to reset.  It could be that my mental health is already fragile.  It could be that I felt particularly alone during this phase of my life.  In any case, it is not his fault, and I adore my Benjamin.

 When we got to the 5-month mark, the pediatrician resolved my concerns over the reflux.  We got serious about sleep-training.  For about two weeks, life was rough.  But we started seeing progress on the first night.  Then I started sleeping better, and then my brain cleared up.  I started having more energy and motivation, not to mention regular periods of hands-free existence (a.k.a. baby's naps).

Benjamin is such a sweetheart.  He is smiley, giggly, and cuddly.  He loves to kiss and hug me (slobber on and pinch me).  He can roll one way, he can almost roll the other way, he is sitting on his own for short periods of time, and he is starting to get up on his knees and try to scoot.  Everything goes in the mouth.  He loves food!  He only turns his nose up at baby formula, and I don't blame him.  He is my blondest kid so far.

I love my Benjamin!  I don't know what I would do without my Benjamin.

Clean House

Let's be honest.

I suffer from depression from time to time.  In my lowest lows, I can often feel Satan kicking me while I am down.  It is a dark, sad place.  Sometimes I just need a kind person to reach down and pull me out.

Yesterday, I slowly spiraled downward throughout the day.  I finally hit the bottom before bedtime when I prayed (begged) for Heavenly Father to help me out of my deep, dark pit.  He answered my prayer, and I was able to climb out (relatively quickly and painlessly, I might add).

Today I can sort of feel a little bit of a "hangover," and I will have to fight to overcome.  Sometimes it can be a real battle.

What does this have anything to do with cleaning my house?  Two things:

1) The reason for the slow spiral downward yesterday is that I was keeping myself extra busy with housework.  I was rearranging furniture and organizing things feverishly to try to keep the depression at bay.

2) When I am depressed, I feel like I have lost control.  I don't mean that as in "I lost my temper."  I mean, I feel like I am not in control of anything in my life.  I can't control people.  I can't control the weather.  I can't control circumstances.  But guess what I can control?  I can control how organized my house is.

I remember two instances specifically from my childhood of two very dirty homes.  One was so cluttered that there was no visible carpet.  The other one I only heard about, but never saw.  But the description included the clutter and also serious grime.  (Although, I'm not sure you can have that much clutter without also finding the grime.)  With those examples in mind, here are my reasons why I try to keep a (decently...imperfectly) clean house:

1) Laundry: a) How will you know what is clean and what isn't?  I guess you could sniff it, but I really despise sniffing laundry.  You have to keep it separate somehow.  It really doesn't matter what system you come up with, but the clean needs to stay separated from the dirty.  b) You will (I have) run out of clothes if you let the pile get too big.  Then you are scrounging through dirty clothes to find something to make do with.  Yuck.

2) Dishes.  Same story.  You will run out of things to eat from.  a) Fact:  if you have fewer dishes in your house, you will be more inclined to clean them.   In other words, the pile can never grow as big if you don't have as many.  b) Also, if you are keeping a regular dish-washing routine, you will find it is more efficient to do the dishes quickly before food gets dried and stuck on.

3) Everything has a place.  And everything in it's place.  This is important to me because it allows me to avoid the frustration of losing things.

4) Now is a good time.  Procrastination, for me, always creates a bigger headache later.  If I clean a little mess NOW, there won't be a big mess later.

5) I can walk a straight path from point A to point B.  Without tripping over stuff.  Often, I try to pick up the things between point A and B so it is clear the next time I take that path.

6) Safe for babies.  In a clean house, I can see what is out of place and what might be a danger to my children.  A cluttered house is an abyss of unknown dangers.  I suppose it is safer for everyone, not just babies and children.

7) Avoid disease.  Actually, an organized house gives me the freedom to deep-clean and sanitize those exposed surfaces.

8) Get rid of junk.  Things that you are not using are just taking up your valuable space.  Are you paying rent/mortgage to house your stuff? or are you paying to get the greatest utility/comfort of your home?

9) Save time.  Not only will you spend less time cleaning, but you won't be wasting time moving things from place to place to do other things.  And what will you be able to do with your extra time?  The sky is the limit.

I don't like cleaning.  I hate toilets especially.  But....  I like how I feel when it is done.  I feel like I accomplished something.  And I feel relaxed because now I have the freedom to do anything I want.

Until the baby wakes up from his nap.

Thoughts

Oh, my! It has been a LONG time since I posted anything.  So much has happened, namely Benjamin.  I will write more about him in an upcoming blog post, but for now I have a few thoughts I wanted to put out there.

Writers block aside, I haven't written for so long because my overarching motivation in life has been, "When am I going to get my next nap?"  Now that I am sleeping regularly again, my brain has turned back on.

• Smart phone. I strongly resisted getting a cell phone in the first place.  Mainly because I couldn't afford one.  I finally got one in about 2009.  I had three kids, and one of them had started school.  I felt like I needed my child to be able to reach me by phone even if I was out of the house.  Bryan urged me to upgrade to a smart phone after he got one for work.  I resisted again; my observation was that I had a cell phone, and I had access to the internet at home.  What more could I need?  Then, it was my turn for a free upgrade with our cell phone provider.  Free? Sure, why not?  And then, WOW!  I can't live without it.  This relatively tiny device now serves as a phone; and email, and facebook, and text, and calendar, and calculator, and bank, and camera, and video camera, and scriptures, and other gospel study, and clock, and weather, and phone book, and radio, and shopping list, and GPS, and internet, and Netflix.
• Netflix. I have had lots of forced down-time with a nursing baby.  (Not to mention that he needed to be held ALL DAY LONG for the first four months of his life.) It has been awesome to read my scriptures, study the gospel, play games, and watch movies.  On my phone.  In little 10 minute intervals, here and there.
• What the Dog Saw, by Malcolm Gladwell. One of the stories he talks about in this book is the Dog Whisperer, who has a certain calm energy that allows him to "rehabilitate dogs and train their owners." So I started watching some of the episodes of this reality TV show (in the aforementioned small doses).  Cesar Millan's philosophy with dogs is Body-Mind-Spirit; or in other words: focused exercise for the dog, pack-leader mentality for the person (which helps the dog to know his place, correcting bad behaviors), and affection.  In that order.  It got me to wondering if some of this philosophy could be used on children.  Especially lately, with temperatures in the extreme cold, my kids have developed cabin fever.  It is definitely hard for them to behave and get along with all that pent up energy.  1) They need exercise.  2) It is my job to guide my children and offer discipline (in the form of punishment, yes, but also in the form of giving them responsibility and structure). 3) My children need to know that I love them; and that I respect them; and that food, shelter, clothing, etc., is my service to them.  But of course my children are not dogs, and their psychology is not that simple.
• Nanny 911.  So it got me to wondering what reality TV shows might have addressed parenting issues, and I came across Nanny 911.  I have only watched a few episodes (intermittently).  Instead of learning anything new, I have been shocked at the clueless-ness of the parents.  I suppose I am not an expert in child-rearing; I never had any formal education to that end.  But I certainly had loads of informal education watching my own parents.  Some of it I remember (in the form of, "I'm starting to sound like my mother").  Some of it must have been ingrained in me subconsciously.  And some of my skills have been acquired through pondering, problem-solving, asking experts (like my mom), and receiving answers to prayer in tiny doses of inspiration.
• Kids are smart.  They can and will exploit parental weakness.  (Digression here: when I started writing this blog, I spouted off my opinions about child-rearing.  As I've grown, and as my children have grown, I realize that some of my assumptions were naive.  My guess is that after nearly 10 years of parenting, I am still quite naive.  Perhaps some of my opinions today will change again as we continue on this journey.)  So here are some of the things I have learned.  
• Children need sleep.  Sometimes they need to be trained to sleep (i.e. cry it out until they learn how to soothe themselves).  It seems like a mean thing to do, but you are teaching them an important life skill.  In the long run, they will appreciate that you allowed them to learn something hard because they will be happier people who are sleeping properly.
• Children need structure.  Guess what?  Those naps and bedtimes need to be pretty regular.  And actually, they really need to be on a normal-people schedule.  Society demands that we start our day and end it at certain times.  Most people have 8 to 5 jobs.  Even if you don't have a job like that, school starts and ends on normal-people schedule.  If your kid can't get up decently early, he will struggle with the societal norms.  He will need to go to school.  He will need to get a job.  We are not just having children to "play house," but it is our responsibility to help our children to be prepared to take care of themselves.  Also, children need to eat on a regular schedule.  Their digestive systems will thank you, not to mention a whole host of health issues that can arise from not eating enough, or eating too much, or not eating enough variety.
• They also thrive on a daily routine.  I'm not suggesting that you have an extremely rigid routine every day.  I certainly don't do that.  But regularly scheduled play times and quiet times are in good order, and they can help the child know what's coming next (and the hope is that they will respond positively and whine less...).
• Children need rules and consequences.  And then they need consistency.  When they know what to expect, they learn good behavior more quickly.  Read: kids crave boundaries.  Boundaries make us feel safe.  It is no different with kids.
• Children need to hear the word NO.  They need to understand which behaviors are unacceptable.  They need consistent consequences when they exhibit those behaviors.  Tantrums are not okay.  Parents, coddling or giving into tantrums is not okay.
• Children need to work.  NEED.  This is right up there with food and water, folks.  Seriously, how do you think your adult kid is going to find food and water if he can't work?  And if I had to do everything around here, we'd all be going crazy.  There are seven of us now.  The more children I have, the more obvious that EVERYONE NEEDS TO PITCH IN!  Kids can clean up after themselves.  They can pick up their toys.  They can help put dishes away.  They can sort laundry.  They can entertain each other.  When they get older and more coordinated, they can operate a broom, then a toilet bowl brush, then a vacuum, then a lawn mower.  It cannot be a free ride.  Being in a family means that we help each other!  I get it: the job is not going to be done as well as if I did it myself.  But frankly, sometimes that's the only way it gets done at all, with all the other things I have to do.  (And I'm training kids to have good skills in the meantime.)  I'm totally okay with kids getting the job done, and then me going back and fixing it later if I have time. And kids can be responsible for their own homework and practicing sports or instruments (usually with a little encouragement from mom or dad; and sometimes a ride).
• Mom is a facilitator.  Mom is the oil that keeps things running smoothly.  That does not mean that Mom does everything.  In our house, that usually means Mom is up to her elbows in dirty laundry, dirty dishes, or dirty diapers; calling out requests (nicely-worded orders) to her children.  Not everything is going to get done every day (my perfectionist side is trying to come to terms with this).  And sometimes you get enough done before sitting down and taking a break or playing with the kids.  Our motto is: We Work Hard, Then We Play Hard.
• Kids need to play!  Much of the work they do looks like play.  But have you ever noticed how much they are learning by playing?  For example, a baby learning to roll over (such as my little Benjamin right now) WORKS REALLY HARD to figure out where to put his arms, and how to move his head, and how to swing his hips over.  It's hard work!!!  What I love about observing babies is that they never give up.  They don't view it as work, but they are motivated because they think they are playing.  I need to be more like that!

So don't get me wrong.  These are my observations of what works.  These are not my list of accomplishments, by any stretch of the imagination.  We have certainly done our fair share of trial and error.  And the errors have caused a lot of frustration.  In fact, some of the things that have worked have started out extremely frustrating; but after much consistency we've had breakthroughs with our children.  The grind of consistency has paid off.  I think the most important observation is that my kids are happy and well-behaved most of the time.  They are comfortable hearing the word "No." They get excited to help out (sometimes).  They are respectful to other adults and children.  They are happy to be part of a loving, working family.

The end.