If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.  It is spoken by Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who is bragging about her taste in music.

I am a really good singer.  When I open my mouth to sing and the acoustics are accommodating, I have some mad skills.

I struggled in college.  All of the singers were crazy-talented, and there was a lot of competition.  It was hard, but it was also great.  It made you work.  My senior year was extremely demanding, and I accomplished some things I never thought I could (and still don't know how I did).

I took a class, I don't remember exactly which, where we did a lot of reading about singing and careers.  I remember reading an article that basically said I didn't have what it takes.  It listed some specific skills that I knew I didn't have, and I was so offended.  It really bothered me at the time because I had worked soooo hard academically and in the practice room.

But it was right.  And it has taken me a lot of years to accept it and understand why.

I hate competition.  I hate being compared.  I hate being judged.  These are all essential parts of show-biz, and they all go against every introverted fiber of my being.

I think I thought that I would grow out of the introversion.  To a point, the more you perform (and you perform A LOT in college), the easier it gets.  But it certainly comes more naturally for some than others.  And I found out that I wouldn't grow out of my anxiety.  I manage it (sometimes better than other times), but it will always be a part of me.

So my continual struggle is what to do with my talents.  I spent a lot of years developing them.  Blood, sweat, tears, and college tuition were my sacrifice.  I love to sing, and I love to perform, but I fear the criticism.

And I had six children.  I knew, through the Spirit of God, that my children were my path.  And they still are.  But as my children get older, I find myself constantly facing the question of what I'm going to do next.  I've dreamed of going back to college and getting more degrees, but I don't really have a solid plan for afterward.

I don't know what to do next, and that really bothers me.  It seems like everyone else knows what they are doing, and what they are going to do, with their lives.  I envy that confidence.

I will always wonder: if I had gone further with my education, would I be a great proficient?  My dreams are morphing, but into what?  It is really hard to set goals without the end in mind.  I feel very frustrated, not knowing.

I've asked Heavenly Father, many times, why he would pair such a strength with such a weakness.  It still has not been revealed to me.  For now, I will just have faith that someday I will know why; and that someday I will know what to do with it.

Friends

It has been a long time since I've posted here, but I think I'm ready to start blogging again.  No, I need to start blogging again.  It is cathartic for me, and it almost feels like the blog itself is an understanding friend.

I have been lonely and depressed since we moved, on and off.  It seems like every time I finally feel connected to someone, they draw back.  I don't think I'm the needy, ever-present, annoying kind of friend; but I can't seem to retain friendships.

I have met and conversed with a lot of different people since we moved here.  I am on good terms with all of them, and I would introduce most of them as my friends.  But it stays superficial; it doesn't go deeper.  I am introverted, and I keep a lot of my "stuff" to myself.  I would say it is very difficult for me to open up to others unless they prove to me that they are "safe."  Even then, it feels like a gamble: will they still like me after I expose my weaknesses?

So, in my loneliness, I made two lists.  First, I made a list of people I know here.  Because I'm a shy, stay-at-home mom, I don't actually know very many people.  But on that list, I would say I've really only spent a fair amount of time with four of them.  Two of them I'm only a bit more comfortable with.

The second list was the people who I would consider my best friends from the past.  There are three friends, plus my mom and my sister, to whom I have felt particularly close.  When I have reconnected with these wonderful women, I feel a deep love and admiration for them.  I wondered if these special people had traits in common, traits that draw me to them time and time again.  I came up with four qualities off the top of my head.

1. Humble.  These women do not have pride.  They are not pretentious.  They are genuinely humble.

2. Listen.  These women know how to listen, not just hear.  They are not making judgments, and they are not thinking of what they might say next.

3. Charity.  These women know how to love.  Even in my weaknesses, they still love me.  My weaknesses don't turn them off; they are compelled to stay with me and keep loving me.

4. Sweet.  These women have some ethereal quality (that evades me) of pure sweetness.

Really, all of these qualities seem to be on a spectrum.  They all go together, like it's one quality with different functions.

So even though I'm lonely today, and on the verge of depression (again), I am writing this down so that I can commit to working on these qualities myself.  These women are loved by everyone who knows them, and they are admired deeply by me.  I pray that I can learn how to assimilate these qualities by emulating them.