Bad DAY

I had a really hard day on Friday.  I was dealing with some disappointment, I was dealing with a lack of sleep, and I was feeling lonely.  But I learned two things.

1. I told Bryan that I really wished that someone would feel prompted to call me.  That it's really frustrating, sometimes, when everyone thinks you must be okay because you go to church every week and put on a smiling face.  Well, Sunday came, and my friend told me that she thought about calling me several times, but she was sick.  While I'm sad that she didn't act on those promptings, I knew that Heavenly Father had sent them.  And I know that he loves me.

2. It really was only a day.  In the past, I have gotten sucked into depression because I let my sad feelings linger and take hold of me.  I'm learning, and sometimes succeeding, how to let a bad day be just one day.  I'm learning how to recognize that the feelings don't last, that life moves on, and I can let go and move on.  This is the perfect example of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He is making me more than I can be on my own.

Three Secrets to Success in Marriage

You have seen headlines like this, and you may have even clicked on the link to read the story.  The longer a couple has been married, their secrets carry a lot more weight.  I've been thinking about this, and I've been comparing it to the proliferation of books and movies of the genre Romance.  Almost always, the perfect but quirky girl finds the perfect but quirky guy, there is some kind of miscommunication, they get over it, they fall in love, and get married (pre 1990s only).  The story always stops there, but I always find myself imagining the babies they'll have and how their love will grow and grow until they are writing an article to share their special secrets of how it all worked.  And the truth about love is that the infatuation and excitement and honeymoon end.

I feel that the movies and books on romance send a message that love is always supposed to feel new.  And when it doesn't anymore, it makes you wonder if you are missing something.  In fact, the movies, and even real life reflect that: we fell out of love, we grew apart, something changed; so now we are going to peacefully separate and go our different ways.

I even feel the slightest bit irritated when people post Facebook statuses (stati?) about how they are still "so in love" after all these years, and they make it sound like they have found the fountain of youthful-marriage.

Here's the thing: I love my husband!  It is fun to think about when it was new, it helps to freshen up the mundane.  But my love for him has changed into something a bit more mature.  If I could offer one secret, it would be this: marry your best friend.  Attraction is good, and it has its place; but make sure that you enjoy each other in many, many other ways.  Bryan is my best friend in every sense.  We still occasionally feel surprised that we never run out of things to talk about.  And sometimes we talk about the same old things, but it is still not boring.  I love to know what he is thinking about and how he views things.  When we are apart, we still look forward to being together again.

The second secret, get ready for it! is forgiveness.  Living together all the time, having children, the fact that you are actually two different people with two different sets of experiences means that occasionally you will hurt one another, you will be irritated, and you will be frustrated.  When you choose (yes! it's a choice!) to forgive, and when you choose (yes! another choice!) to repent (feel bad, be sorry, and change for the better), the marriage gets stronger.

And last, but not least, is Christ.  A marriage is a triangle with Christ at the top, and the husband and wife taking each of the other corners.  As each spouse comes closer to Christ, they come closer to each other.  It takes effort, but it is worth it.

I'm not claiming, in any way, that our marriage is perfect.  It's not even close.  But I feel like it is pretty successful.

I feel very blessed to have Bryan as a husband.  He is really great.  He has so many gifts and talents that I don't have.  I know this sounds cliche, but he complements me.  He fills in my holes, and he inspires me to be better.  He is kind, he is smart, and he has great legs.  Just kidding.  Actually, no, I'm not kidding.

Just Call Me Debbie

I had a mental health counselor in Coeur d'Alene that really helped me through a lot of things.  One thing she said I will never forget: "What you resist will persist."  In other words, if you run or hide or avoid or distract yourself from your negative thoughts, they eventually catch up to you.  But if you turn and face them, name them, there is usually a way to move beyond.

I have been seeing a pattern in my depression this year.  It usually occurs at the end of the day on special holidays.  Particularly Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday.  As I have faced it, I discovered a name for it.  Loneliness.

My counselor suggested that you are at higher risk for depression when you are H.A.L.T.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  I find that I am very susceptible to Tired, but I've also found that Loneliness is the worst for me.  My train of thought goes something like this:

I feel lonely=Nobody wants me=I should disappear.

While I'm not suicidal, I do feel a strong urge to withdraw from everyone.

What's hard about these holidays is that I know they're coming, and I dread them.  I can't seem to face the oncoming train.  It's also hard to be separated from all family and close friends.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  But when I did, I felt surprisingly better.  I had a good cry last night, wore myself out, slept until 8:30, and I felt like I could manage the day.  The kids were really helpful in picking up the house with pretty good attitudes.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I just have to get through Christmas.

If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.  It is spoken by Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who is bragging about her taste in music.

I am a really good singer.  When I open my mouth to sing and the acoustics are accommodating, I have some mad skills.

I struggled in college.  All of the singers were crazy-talented, and there was a lot of competition.  It was hard, but it was also great.  It made you work.  My senior year was extremely demanding, and I accomplished some things I never thought I could (and still don't know how I did).

I took a class, I don't remember exactly which, where we did a lot of reading about singing and careers.  I remember reading an article that basically said I didn't have what it takes.  It listed some specific skills that I knew I didn't have, and I was so offended.  It really bothered me at the time because I had worked soooo hard academically and in the practice room.

But it was right.  And it has taken me a lot of years to accept it and understand why.

I hate competition.  I hate being compared.  I hate being judged.  These are all essential parts of show-biz, and they all go against every introverted fiber of my being.

I think I thought that I would grow out of the introversion.  To a point, the more you perform (and you perform A LOT in college), the easier it gets.  But it certainly comes more naturally for some than others.  And I found out that I wouldn't grow out of my anxiety.  I manage it (sometimes better than other times), but it will always be a part of me.

So my continual struggle is what to do with my talents.  I spent a lot of years developing them.  Blood, sweat, tears, and college tuition were my sacrifice.  I love to sing, and I love to perform, but I fear the criticism.

And I had six children.  I knew, through the Spirit of God, that my children were my path.  And they still are.  But as my children get older, I find myself constantly facing the question of what I'm going to do next.  I've dreamed of going back to college and getting more degrees, but I don't really have a solid plan for afterward.

I don't know what to do next, and that really bothers me.  It seems like everyone else knows what they are doing, and what they are going to do, with their lives.  I envy that confidence.

I will always wonder: if I had gone further with my education, would I be a great proficient?  My dreams are morphing, but into what?  It is really hard to set goals without the end in mind.  I feel very frustrated, not knowing.

I've asked Heavenly Father, many times, why he would pair such a strength with such a weakness.  It still has not been revealed to me.  For now, I will just have faith that someday I will know why; and that someday I will know what to do with it.

Friends

It has been a long time since I've posted here, but I think I'm ready to start blogging again.  No, I need to start blogging again.  It is cathartic for me, and it almost feels like the blog itself is an understanding friend.

I have been lonely and depressed since we moved, on and off.  It seems like every time I finally feel connected to someone, they draw back.  I don't think I'm the needy, ever-present, annoying kind of friend; but I can't seem to retain friendships.

I have met and conversed with a lot of different people since we moved here.  I am on good terms with all of them, and I would introduce most of them as my friends.  But it stays superficial; it doesn't go deeper.  I am introverted, and I keep a lot of my "stuff" to myself.  I would say it is very difficult for me to open up to others unless they prove to me that they are "safe."  Even then, it feels like a gamble: will they still like me after I expose my weaknesses?

So, in my loneliness, I made two lists.  First, I made a list of people I know here.  Because I'm a shy, stay-at-home mom, I don't actually know very many people.  But on that list, I would say I've really only spent a fair amount of time with four of them.  Two of them I'm only a bit more comfortable with.

The second list was the people who I would consider my best friends from the past.  There are three friends, plus my mom and my sister, to whom I have felt particularly close.  When I have reconnected with these wonderful women, I feel a deep love and admiration for them.  I wondered if these special people had traits in common, traits that draw me to them time and time again.  I came up with four qualities off the top of my head.

1. Humble.  These women do not have pride.  They are not pretentious.  They are genuinely humble.

2. Listen.  These women know how to listen, not just hear.  They are not making judgments, and they are not thinking of what they might say next.

3. Charity.  These women know how to love.  Even in my weaknesses, they still love me.  My weaknesses don't turn them off; they are compelled to stay with me and keep loving me.

4. Sweet.  These women have some ethereal quality (that evades me) of pure sweetness.

Really, all of these qualities seem to be on a spectrum.  They all go together, like it's one quality with different functions.

So even though I'm lonely today, and on the verge of depression (again), I am writing this down so that I can commit to working on these qualities myself.  These women are loved by everyone who knows them, and they are admired deeply by me.  I pray that I can learn how to assimilate these qualities by emulating them.

How I Keep My House Clean (As If!)

It happened once, a few weeks ago.  My family was out of town (that's the key).  And I paid my friend to come help me clean.  I had about 3 hours of Clean House before my family arrived home.  The end.  (Ha!)

Recently, my sister posted a status on Facebook that went something like this, "I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a clean house."  Sis, the simple answer is nope.

But I've been thinking about your plight; and in the 12.5 years I've been married (11 since I've had children), it has been a constant struggle for me.  Not just a struggle to actually get it done, but a mental struggle of why it must be so.

The reasons of why I probably have listed on another blog post somewhere.  Briefly, here are my two major reasons:  1) it's safer, and 2) you know where stuff is.

So now, here is the answer to how I get it done, imperfectly:

1. I have finite time and limited energy.  That means that I get to choose one major activity per day.  Sometimes that's cleaning.  Other times it's playing, shopping, running errands, etc.  I get to choose one.  So I have to consciously recognize that on those other days, I'm not a failure at keeping my house clean.  I just did something else that day.

2. I have to let things go.  Sometimes cleaning isn't the most important priority.  And sometimes my "helpers" aren't as thorough or efficient as I would wish, but I have to choose to be happy that it is better than it was.

3. I have "helpers."  I cannot possibly clean up after, cook for, and otherwise nurture  6 (soon to be 7) other people (and still have time to take care of myself too!).  So each person has to carry an appropriately-sized load.  The bigger kids have more responsibilities than the younger kids.

4. Over the years, I had to get more and more organized out of necessity.  I certainly didn't start out that way.  Some books that really helped me learn organizing principles are Lose 200lbs. This Weekend and Make Your House Do the Housework, both by Don Aslett.  The first is about how to declutter.  The number-one take-away from this book is that if you don't use it, don't keep it.  There are only a few exceptions to that rule (such as food storage, children's clothing if you plan to grow your family, seasonal decorations and clothing, and memorabilia).  The second book is about organizing your house to cut back on the amount of work it takes to clean it.  This is accomplished in two ways: 1) the materials you use to construct your house (not always practical, especially if you didn't construct your house or just that you don't currently have the $ to upgrade), and 2) systems you put in place to make things run more efficiently.  The number-one take-away from this book is that you need to brainstorm and get creative to both recognize and solve the problems that are organizationally frustrating to you.

So here are a few tips that I have gleaned from others and/or created on my own:

• Recently, we assigned each kid a color-coded cup and bowl.  They are responsible for rinsing them out and putting them in the drying rack for later use.  I wash them once a day.  This one simple thing has cut back drastically on the amount of dishes we wash.
• I stopped folding laundry a while ago, for the most part.  I wash it, dry it, and sort it into each person's basket.  The kids are responsible for putting away their clothes (folding and hanging) and returning their baskets to me.  The big kids help the little kids.  We also have separate laundry hampers for each kid, and they are responsible for sorting their dirty laundry for me to wash.
• We have lots of toys.  I regularly sort out the ones the kids don't play with, but we still have a lot.  I sorted them into bins based on type, and I put them away in a locked closet.  The idea is to rotate through the toys.  I try not to let them get new toys out until they put the old ones away.  At the very least, this keeps them from dumping all of the toys out at once.  We are still working on learning how to clean up after we are done playing.
• We have daily chores.  You will hear me in the morning say this phrase: "Get dressed, make your bed, clean your room."  A short time later, "Did you put your lunch in your backpack?  Did you put your homework in your backpack?  Are your shoes on?  Did you brush your hair and brush your teeth?  Are you completely ready for the day?"  The consistency of the routine keeps things organized and helps us be punctual.  Often, the older kids don't need the reminders, and the younger kids like to report what they've done without being asked.  They have other rotating chores, and those are addressed as a second priority on a daily basis.
• I sort through the mail as soon as it reaches my hands.  I throw away the junk and the unsealed envelopes.  I pay the bills online immediately, and I file the important papers.
• I hang things.  This keeps things off the floor.  It also gives things a place.  I recently hammered some nails into the wall by the garage for us to hang our keys.  When used properly (ha!), we don't lose our keys.  It's not pretty, but it's efficient.
• I label drawers and bins.  This also gives things a place.  It is helpful in many places, such as toys, currently unused clothes, food storage, bathroom and cleaning supplies, etc.
• We have weekly jobs.  There are certain things that we only do on Saturdays, like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, and yard work.  Tuesday, we gather the garbages for trash pick-up day.  Saturdays and Tuesdays usually end up being laundry days.
• We have spring cleaning, which involves major decluttering.  We usually have two piles: one for the dump, and one for giving away.

This is definitely not an exhaustive list of all the things I've tried.  My house is usually not clean.  But when I am more on top of it, I'm usually only an hour away from it being pretty clean.

What other things have you tried that have given you success in keeping a clean house?

Our God, to Whom We Turn

Our God, to whom we turn
When weary, weary with illusion,
Whose stars serenely burn
Above this earth’s confusion,
Thine is the mighty plan,
The steadfast order sure
In which the world began,
Endures, and will endure.

Thou art Thyself the truth;
Though we who fain would find Thee,
Have tried, with thoughts uncouth,
In feeble words to bind Thee,
It is because Thou art
We’re driven to the quest;
Till truth from falsehood part,
Our souls can find no rest.

All beauty speaks of Thee:
The mountains and the rivers,
The line of lifted sea,
Where spreading moonlight quivers,
The deep-toned organ blast
That rolls through arches dim,
Hints of the music vast
Of Thine eternal hymn.

Wherever goodness lurks
We catch Thy tones appealing;
Where man for justice works
Thou art Thyself revealing;
The blood of Man, for man
On friendship’s altar spilt,
Betrays the mystic plan
On which Thy house is built.

Thou hidden fount of love,
Of peace, and truth, and beauty,
Inspire us from above
With joy and strength for duty.
May Thy fresh light arise, arise
Within each clouded heart,
And give us open eyes
To see Thee as Thou art.

To see Thee as Thou art.

-Edward Grubb (1925)