Woes of an Introvert, Part II

I appreciate all of your comments; many have been very enlightening. But I feel like there is a little more to say here, since it seems that I may have been somewhat misunderstood.

Where to start?

I really appreciated Shalissa's comment about the difference between shy and introvert. I must say, by that definition, I vacillate between introvert and shy extrovert. Sometimes I really need people, even if that means stepping out of my shy self. Sometimes I just need to be alone. Which brings me to my next point.

I have always dealt with social anxiety. At one point I was even medicated for it; and at other points I have been able to deal with it on my own with a fair amount of success.

One of the main symptoms I deal with is the desire to run and hide, sometimes just figuratively. Any new or scary situation usually amplifies this desire, but I make myself stay put and ride the wave until it is over.

With that said, I feel that I need to tell you that my previous post was not me begging for attention or seeking compliments. It was also not a cry for help. It was a quest for understanding. And now I realize that many of you are trying to understand, and care a lot for me. And I appreciate that.

Many chunks of my life have been very difficult, with regards to social anxiety. Every day situations, which are normal to you, may create a huge obstacle for me. Which is probably a huge part of the frustration I illustrated in my previous post.

Thanks for reading.

Woes of an Introvert

I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. This week, many of the symptoms have come to the forefront as I have dealt with new (and old) situations. I think I wrote a post like this a few years ago, but I am here to enlighten you to what it feels like to be me.

Case Study #1: I teach the 16-17-year-old girls at church. I get very nervous and feel very awkward when I am teaching them. When they give me sideways glances, I feel like there is so much more behind the look than just a look. I worry that they've had conversations together about me (and maybe they have) about how dumb and uncool I am. While I would like not to care, I do. Not just because I wish I was cool (I do), but because I feel like I can't even be an effective teacher if they don't respect me.

Case Study #2: I lead the choir at church. I have a fair amount of musical knowledge, but I have very little experience in leading. While my performance degree helped me be able to stand or sit in the spotlight without looking nervous, inside I'm barely keeping it together. I worry that my awkwardness in what I say and do is creating a sympathetic response in my audience (the choir), so the feedback I get is less than ease. So then I worry about that, which makes me more nervous, which then spirals downward from there.

Case Study #3: I started an aerobics class today. It was so much fun, but I was far less than coordinated when it came to moves with more than 3 steps. I feel like an idiot, but at least I'm surrounded by friends. I guess my point here is that because I was so shy growing up, I didn't dare try new things, especially with regards to movement (dancing, athletics, etc.). I was so afraid of looking totally dumb, that, to this day, I still do not feel comfortable moving my body around.

Case Study #4: I'm trying to be okay with who I am. It is so bizarre to me that I can't choose not to be shy. It is a part of who I am, and all I can do is deal with it; but I doubt I will ever totally overcome it. More times than I care to admit, I have felt jealous of you. Yes, you. All of you, separately, at one time or another. Because you might be more outgoing than me, and you might make friends more easily than me. This makes me mad at myself and feel inferior to you. Or you might be more creative than me. Many of you are so creative. I'm not. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm terrible at decorating, sewing, crafting, scrapbooking, and the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I see your blog and all the really neat things you are doing. But then I have to realize that those things do not interest me. But then I feel frustrated because I still haven't discovered what does interest me, and it looks like you got it all figured out. I know in my mind that it's okay that I'm not exactly like you, but the way I feel is the opposite. I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied that I'm just different than you. I'm very introverted. And I don't have the same talents and interests. And that's okay. I guess.

I will never know what it feels like to be completely settled in my skin. But I hope I can attain a degree of satisfaction with who I am, even when my physiological response to new and scary situations dictates otherwise.

How is it okay?

Sorry, but this is going to be a quick rant post because I've got to run.

But how is it okay for famous people (including but not limited to politicians, athletes, musicians, and actors) to get away with bad things? Especially lately, it seems that many people are cheating on their spouses, then apologizing (when and because they were caught), and the punishment is only a slight frown (big smiles from the papparazzi), and they go on with their lives?

I mean we've even had a couple womanizing presidents in the last few decades, and it's okay?

HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN TURN A BLIND EYE TO THEIR INFIDELITY AND THEN TRUST THEM TO BE TRUSTWORTHY IN EVERYTHING ELSE??????

Oh, and don't get me started on sexuality. WHEN IS IT EVER OKAY TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR PRIVATE BEDROOM LIFE?

I don't want to hear if someone is gay, bisexual, or straight. I don't want to hear it people. I wholeheartedly believe that God instituted marriage between husband and wife (a real man and a real woman), that procreation is sacred, that children are blessings from God, and families can be together forever. But I don't want to hear about anyone's private life (including happily married husbands and wives, thank you very much), but especially those who choose to live in sin.

Forgive me for my strong opinion on the subject.

Featuring Caleb

Once upon a time there was a bird named Gomo. He lost all of his feathers because he bumped into a tree. Then he asked a squirrel to help him put all his feathers back on. They kept on trying to put the feathers on by just pushing them on Gomo. But that didn't work. Then they tried punching them back on. But then they fell into the sea. A whale was close to them. He swallowed them. Then the whale blows Gomo and the squirrel out of his blowhole and they land in a tree. Then they fell into a Jack-O-Lantern that was swallowed by the whale and shot out through his blowhole! The pumpkin got swallowed by a turtle and they were inside it still. The turtle spits the pumpkin out. Then they get out of the pumpkin. Then they use glue to put Gomo's feathers back on. Then he had to sit somewhere to dry. Then a pig came and wanted to be friends. The End.

By Caleb

Mommy Brain

You've all heard of it. Many of you have had it. I submit that although there may be physiological links to Mommy Brain in the form of endocrinology, there is at least one other culprit.

The lack of time.

When I have time between poopy diapers, bottles, solid food, chauffeuring, and potty-training, I might be able to think things through; be logical; rationalize.

Many times this week I have suddenly had Eureka moments, and immediately realized that those moments should have been much more obvious than they had been.

Today I had a headache. Last week I had a headache for several days, along with some insomnia. Finally, I figured out that I was dehydrated, which gave me the headache, which caused me to have trouble sleeping. Today, I drank water to get rid of the headache, because that's probably why I had a headache, right? Well, it might have been, in part, a logical reason.

After feeding two kids lunch, giving two kids a bottle (did I tell you that I'm watching another 9.5-month-old full time?), packing four kids into the van, taking one kid to school, returning home, and feeding the babies some food and changing their diapers, I realized that I had not yet eaten. My body felt tired, I had the headache, and my stomach hurt. And yet, it never dawned on me that I might just be hungry. (Well, I'm probably dehydrated too, and lack of sleep never helps either.)

My name is Brianne. And I have Mommy Brain.

Next Time I'll Wash the Car by Hand

Go to the bank. It's closed. Make a deposit anyway.

Go to the gas station. Get gas, buy a car wash because we really need one.

Car wash is very clean and wet. Joseph and Savanna are terrified and in tears. End car wash.

Hm. Power-steering goes out. That's strange. On to the Science Center. Car starts beeping unrelentingly. Battery light comes on. Takes all my energy to steer the car and pull into the Science Center parking lot. They're closed. Call my dad (a mechanic among other things). Open the hood. Yep, the serpentine belt is extremely loose.

Go straight to the car repair shop because it will probably overheat very soon. Call Bryan to get directions to car repair shop. Car starts to overheat. Pull over into the car repair shop. Yep, serpentine belt is loose. This model of car needs a water shield thingy that didn't originally come with the van. Apparently, it is common for the high-pressure water car washes to "float the belt." $35 and 2-hour wait.

Which means I got a $42 car wash that took 3 hours, and it's not even that clean.

Bry and Bri in a decade

1. Bri graduated high school.
2. Bry returned from his LDS mission to Portugal.
3. Bry and Bri met.
4. Bry and Bri got married.
5. Caleb was born.
6. Bryan graduated college and ran the BYU school record in the mile.
7. Brianne graduated college and performed a senior recital.
8. Savanna was born.
9. Bryan graduated with a masters.
10. Bryan completed administrator in training program; Joseph was born; Bryan started his first real job.

Happy New Decade!