If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.  It is spoken by Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who is bragging about her taste in music.

I am a really good singer.  When I open my mouth to sing and the acoustics are accommodating, I have some mad skills.

I struggled in college.  All of the singers were crazy-talented, and there was a lot of competition.  It was hard, but it was also great.  It made you work.  My senior year was extremely demanding, and I accomplished some things I never thought I could (and still don't know how I did).

I took a class, I don't remember exactly which, where we did a lot of reading about singing and careers.  I remember reading an article that basically said I didn't have what it takes.  It listed some specific skills that I knew I didn't have, and I was so offended.  It really bothered me at the time because I had worked soooo hard academically and in the practice room.

But it was right.  And it has taken me a lot of years to accept it and understand why.

I hate competition.  I hate being compared.  I hate being judged.  These are all essential parts of show-biz, and they all go against every introverted fiber of my being.

I think I thought that I would grow out of the introversion.  To a point, the more you perform (and you perform A LOT in college), the easier it gets.  But it certainly comes more naturally for some than others.  And I found out that I wouldn't grow out of my anxiety.  I manage it (sometimes better than other times), but it will always be a part of me.

So my continual struggle is what to do with my talents.  I spent a lot of years developing them.  Blood, sweat, tears, and college tuition were my sacrifice.  I love to sing, and I love to perform, but I fear the criticism.

And I had six children.  I knew, through the Spirit of God, that my children were my path.  And they still are.  But as my children get older, I find myself constantly facing the question of what I'm going to do next.  I've dreamed of going back to college and getting more degrees, but I don't really have a solid plan for afterward.

I don't know what to do next, and that really bothers me.  It seems like everyone else knows what they are doing, and what they are going to do, with their lives.  I envy that confidence.

I will always wonder: if I had gone further with my education, would I be a great proficient?  My dreams are morphing, but into what?  It is really hard to set goals without the end in mind.  I feel very frustrated, not knowing.

I've asked Heavenly Father, many times, why he would pair such a strength with such a weakness.  It still has not been revealed to me.  For now, I will just have faith that someday I will know why; and that someday I will know what to do with it.

Friends

It has been a long time since I've posted here, but I think I'm ready to start blogging again.  No, I need to start blogging again.  It is cathartic for me, and it almost feels like the blog itself is an understanding friend.

I have been lonely and depressed since we moved, on and off.  It seems like every time I finally feel connected to someone, they draw back.  I don't think I'm the needy, ever-present, annoying kind of friend; but I can't seem to retain friendships.

I have met and conversed with a lot of different people since we moved here.  I am on good terms with all of them, and I would introduce most of them as my friends.  But it stays superficial; it doesn't go deeper.  I am introverted, and I keep a lot of my "stuff" to myself.  I would say it is very difficult for me to open up to others unless they prove to me that they are "safe."  Even then, it feels like a gamble: will they still like me after I expose my weaknesses?

So, in my loneliness, I made two lists.  First, I made a list of people I know here.  Because I'm a shy, stay-at-home mom, I don't actually know very many people.  But on that list, I would say I've really only spent a fair amount of time with four of them.  Two of them I'm only a bit more comfortable with.

The second list was the people who I would consider my best friends from the past.  There are three friends, plus my mom and my sister, to whom I have felt particularly close.  When I have reconnected with these wonderful women, I feel a deep love and admiration for them.  I wondered if these special people had traits in common, traits that draw me to them time and time again.  I came up with four qualities off the top of my head.

1. Humble.  These women do not have pride.  They are not pretentious.  They are genuinely humble.

2. Listen.  These women know how to listen, not just hear.  They are not making judgments, and they are not thinking of what they might say next.

3. Charity.  These women know how to love.  Even in my weaknesses, they still love me.  My weaknesses don't turn them off; they are compelled to stay with me and keep loving me.

4. Sweet.  These women have some ethereal quality (that evades me) of pure sweetness.

Really, all of these qualities seem to be on a spectrum.  They all go together, like it's one quality with different functions.

So even though I'm lonely today, and on the verge of depression (again), I am writing this down so that I can commit to working on these qualities myself.  These women are loved by everyone who knows them, and they are admired deeply by me.  I pray that I can learn how to assimilate these qualities by emulating them.

How I Keep My House Clean (As If!)

It happened once, a few weeks ago.  My family was out of town (that's the key).  And I paid my friend to come help me clean.  I had about 3 hours of Clean House before my family arrived home.  The end.  (Ha!)

Recently, my sister posted a status on Facebook that went something like this, "I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a clean house."  Sis, the simple answer is nope.

But I've been thinking about your plight; and in the 12.5 years I've been married (11 since I've had children), it has been a constant struggle for me.  Not just a struggle to actually get it done, but a mental struggle of why it must be so.

The reasons of why I probably have listed on another blog post somewhere.  Briefly, here are my two major reasons:  1) it's safer, and 2) you know where stuff is.

So now, here is the answer to how I get it done, imperfectly:

1. I have finite time and limited energy.  That means that I get to choose one major activity per day.  Sometimes that's cleaning.  Other times it's playing, shopping, running errands, etc.  I get to choose one.  So I have to consciously recognize that on those other days, I'm not a failure at keeping my house clean.  I just did something else that day.

2. I have to let things go.  Sometimes cleaning isn't the most important priority.  And sometimes my "helpers" aren't as thorough or efficient as I would wish, but I have to choose to be happy that it is better than it was.

3. I have "helpers."  I cannot possibly clean up after, cook for, and otherwise nurture  6 (soon to be 7) other people (and still have time to take care of myself too!).  So each person has to carry an appropriately-sized load.  The bigger kids have more responsibilities than the younger kids.

4. Over the years, I had to get more and more organized out of necessity.  I certainly didn't start out that way.  Some books that really helped me learn organizing principles are Lose 200lbs. This Weekend and Make Your House Do the Housework, both by Don Aslett.  The first is about how to declutter.  The number-one take-away from this book is that if you don't use it, don't keep it.  There are only a few exceptions to that rule (such as food storage, children's clothing if you plan to grow your family, seasonal decorations and clothing, and memorabilia).  The second book is about organizing your house to cut back on the amount of work it takes to clean it.  This is accomplished in two ways: 1) the materials you use to construct your house (not always practical, especially if you didn't construct your house or just that you don't currently have the $ to upgrade), and 2) systems you put in place to make things run more efficiently.  The number-one take-away from this book is that you need to brainstorm and get creative to both recognize and solve the problems that are organizationally frustrating to you.

So here are a few tips that I have gleaned from others and/or created on my own:

• Recently, we assigned each kid a color-coded cup and bowl.  They are responsible for rinsing them out and putting them in the drying rack for later use.  I wash them once a day.  This one simple thing has cut back drastically on the amount of dishes we wash.
• I stopped folding laundry a while ago, for the most part.  I wash it, dry it, and sort it into each person's basket.  The kids are responsible for putting away their clothes (folding and hanging) and returning their baskets to me.  The big kids help the little kids.  We also have separate laundry hampers for each kid, and they are responsible for sorting their dirty laundry for me to wash.
• We have lots of toys.  I regularly sort out the ones the kids don't play with, but we still have a lot.  I sorted them into bins based on type, and I put them away in a locked closet.  The idea is to rotate through the toys.  I try not to let them get new toys out until they put the old ones away.  At the very least, this keeps them from dumping all of the toys out at once.  We are still working on learning how to clean up after we are done playing.
• We have daily chores.  You will hear me in the morning say this phrase: "Get dressed, make your bed, clean your room."  A short time later, "Did you put your lunch in your backpack?  Did you put your homework in your backpack?  Are your shoes on?  Did you brush your hair and brush your teeth?  Are you completely ready for the day?"  The consistency of the routine keeps things organized and helps us be punctual.  Often, the older kids don't need the reminders, and the younger kids like to report what they've done without being asked.  They have other rotating chores, and those are addressed as a second priority on a daily basis.
• I sort through the mail as soon as it reaches my hands.  I throw away the junk and the unsealed envelopes.  I pay the bills online immediately, and I file the important papers.
• I hang things.  This keeps things off the floor.  It also gives things a place.  I recently hammered some nails into the wall by the garage for us to hang our keys.  When used properly (ha!), we don't lose our keys.  It's not pretty, but it's efficient.
• I label drawers and bins.  This also gives things a place.  It is helpful in many places, such as toys, currently unused clothes, food storage, bathroom and cleaning supplies, etc.
• We have weekly jobs.  There are certain things that we only do on Saturdays, like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, and yard work.  Tuesday, we gather the garbages for trash pick-up day.  Saturdays and Tuesdays usually end up being laundry days.
• We have spring cleaning, which involves major decluttering.  We usually have two piles: one for the dump, and one for giving away.

This is definitely not an exhaustive list of all the things I've tried.  My house is usually not clean.  But when I am more on top of it, I'm usually only an hour away from it being pretty clean.

What other things have you tried that have given you success in keeping a clean house?

Our God, to Whom We Turn

Our God, to whom we turn
When weary, weary with illusion,
Whose stars serenely burn
Above this earth’s confusion,
Thine is the mighty plan,
The steadfast order sure
In which the world began,
Endures, and will endure.

Thou art Thyself the truth;
Though we who fain would find Thee,
Have tried, with thoughts uncouth,
In feeble words to bind Thee,
It is because Thou art
We’re driven to the quest;
Till truth from falsehood part,
Our souls can find no rest.

All beauty speaks of Thee:
The mountains and the rivers,
The line of lifted sea,
Where spreading moonlight quivers,
The deep-toned organ blast
That rolls through arches dim,
Hints of the music vast
Of Thine eternal hymn.

Wherever goodness lurks
We catch Thy tones appealing;
Where man for justice works
Thou art Thyself revealing;
The blood of Man, for man
On friendship’s altar spilt,
Betrays the mystic plan
On which Thy house is built.

Thou hidden fount of love,
Of peace, and truth, and beauty,
Inspire us from above
With joy and strength for duty.
May Thy fresh light arise, arise
Within each clouded heart,
And give us open eyes
To see Thee as Thou art.

To see Thee as Thou art.

-Edward Grubb (1925)

How to Remember Everything You Need at the Store

Okay, so this never actually works for me.  I still always forget something.  And I usually remember at a point when I am unwilling to go back to get the thing I forgot.

I usually start with a mental list of things I need, including the things I forgot last time.  By the time the list gets to about four things, I will no longer remember everything unless I write it down.  But by the time I write it down, some of those things have already slipped my mind.  So then I feel compelled to go through sub-category lists.  Do you do this?

First, FOOD.  What do I need for:
breakfasts
lunches
packed lunches
dinners
snacks
treats
drinks
food storage
etc.

Second, PERSONAL ITEMS.  Do I need (top to bottom):
shampoo
conditioner
soap
razors
contact supplies
q-tips
tissues
tooth care items
chapstick
makeup
deodorant
lotion
etc.

Third, CLOTHING and ACCESSORIES for:
Me
Bryan
Caleb
Savanna
Joseph
Isaac
Benjamin (including diapers and wipes)

Fourth, do I need items for my HOUSE:
kitchen
living rooms
bedrooms
bathrooms
outside
etc.

Fifth, I walk through each DEPARTMENT of the store in my mind to jog my memory of what else needs to be on the list:
hardware
toys
office supplies
home
electronics
jewelry
pharmacy
shoes
garden
auto
crafts
etc.

Sixth, is there anything that is IRREGULAR or RANDOM that I need?
gifts for birthday parties
chains for my tires
photo prints
etc.

And then I still always forget something.  And often I remember something as I walk past it in the store, which means I have a hard time sticking to my list.

Also, 7 people are expensive.

The end.

Cantatastrophe

Can-ta-ta: (noun) a medium-length narrative piece of music for voices with instrumental accompaniment, typically with solos, chorus, and orchestra.

Ca-tas-tro-phe: (noun) an event causing great and often sudden damage or suffering; a disaster; the final event of the dramatic action, especially of a tragedy.

Hierarchy of the Drama:

J’s husband: counselor in That Stake Presidency (I am in This Stake)

J: Stake Music Chair

Me: Musical Director (this year)

R: Musical Director (last year); orchestra specialist (this year)

D: Marketing and PR

S: choir member

On Christmas Eve 2013, D mentioned that her stake was organizing an Easter Cantata.  She encouraged me to participate, even though I am in a different stake.  In February 2014, I began attending rehearsals.  At the very first rehearsal, I noticed that the pages were not numbered properly, and I expressed my concern to the director R that it could become confusing and waste rehearsal time.  I suggested that we take a few minutes and number the pages together during rehearsal.  He rejected my idea, saying that the ordering of the pages would make more sense to me as we went along.

Very soon after, D called me and asked me if I would teach the children’s choir.  I said yes.  I found out much later that S had already been asked to teach the children, but D didn’t think S would be available to do it.  I never did know how the change was handled or how it was received.  I hoped that S wasn't offended.  I had to forego regular rehearsals to rehearse the children.  In the meantime, D continuously micromanaged my rehearsals with the children.  In the last weeks, I brought the children into the end of the rehearsals to practice with R and the adult choir.

I found out pretty quickly that R didn’t seem to have a lot of conducting experience, no choral experience, and little experience with children.  It was obvious that the children were struggling to follow him, and he was struggling to lead them in a way that was clear to them.

I wanted to direct the children in the performances, mirroring his actions; because I knew I could follow him, and I knew the children could follow me.  In the end, R again rejected my suggestion; he and D ended up asking another woman with little musical directing experience to mirror his conducting in the performance.

I also auditioned for a solo.  I auditioned for three people: R, D, and J.  At the audition, some of the people trying out were not prepared, so R asked if we wanted to postpone the audition.  In my opinion, that is unprofessional.  You should set a date, and people should be prepared by that date.  I didn’t want to have to come to another night to audition when I was prepared the first night.  Again, my suggestion was rejected.  The other problem with the three judges was that they couldn’t agree on who should get the solos, and they did not end up choosing the people who were best suited for the parts because of political correctness.  I did end up with a solo.  And I was the strongest soprano in the choir, according to R (even though I had missed so many rehearsals because of the children’s choir).  For those two reasons, R did not want me to also conduct the children in the performance because he felt that it would be too much movement on stage.

In the midst of the whole process, J began alluding that she might be interested in having me conduct the entire cantata next year.  I inferred that she didn’t think R’s skills were quite up to par.

The performances occurred.  There were many moments that I cringed because of the lack of preparedness of the choir, the orchestra, the director, the children (who still couldn’t follow another adult, who was following R), and just generally wrong notes and missed entrances.  I’m not sure how it sounded to the untrained ear, but it was awful at moments to my own.

Following the performances, J tried to gather all of the leaders for a post-production review.  R wouldn’t make time.  D wouldn’t make time.  It took over two months for all of us to gather.  In that meeting, R was asked how much time he had spent preparing and executing the production.  It was astronomical amounts of time.  He was asked how he would feel about sharing the load.  His response: “It would make my wife happy.”

Soon after, J’s husband informed me that their stake presidency and my stake presidency had approved my calling as the musical director for next year.  I began preparing and contemplating the schedule I would need to ready myself for the task.  I felt like, if R was willing, we could share the load.  I could prepare the chorus.  He could prepare the orchestra.  And we could share the responsibilities of conducting in the performance 50/50.  I felt that it was a very reasonable compromise.  J again tried to call a meeting with all the leaders; R wouldn’t make time; D wouldn’t make time.  We had a meeting without them.  The following month, R finally decided to make an appearance.  He dismissed my proposal that we split the responsibilities.  I asked him how he envisioned it, and he said he only wanted me to prepare the chorus.  He would conduct the performances.

If you’ll remember, that is exactly the frustration I had had with the children’s chorus.  I had prepared the children, he had conducted the performances, and I was ousted completely from the job.  All of my hard work was lost with this inexperienced conductor.  All of my future work would also be lost.

I had two conflicting feelings.  One, that I didn’t need the cantata:  I didn’t need the drama it created; and I didn’t need the cantata responsibilities just to stroke my ego.  And two, that I shouldn’t allow R to bully me.  It was (going to be) my calling, and not his.

The next day J and her husband came to visit me to do some damage control and to see how I felt about the interaction with R.  I explained that I couldn’t see how R and I could work together since he showed no willingness to compromise.

Soon after, J and her husband went to meet with R.  He told them that he was still unwilling to share the responsibility of conducting the performances because “if he didn’t conduct, his standing in the community would go down.”

I was worried that R would sabotage the whole thing if he didn't get his way.  Those with whom I discussed the situation doubted my fears.  Surely, he wouldn't do that.  No one would do that!

I discussed the anxiety I had with my mental health counselor.  She said that this story was familiar, that it reminded her of the war in heaven.  That one offered to do the task, but he wanted the glory for himself.  And Another offered to do the task, and the glory would be the Father’s.  I started to think that maybe I really did need the cantata; that it could be an opportunity to glorify my Savior.  My counselor suggested that I write down my feelings in a way that shed light on the darkness, and be prepared to share those feelings in the next cantata meeting.  I started thinking about what I should write/say.  But I never had the chance.

R and D went to the other Stake’s President, behind J’s back, to explain their feelings about how things should go.  President B was not happy that they did not go through the correct channels to express their concerns (J and her husband).  R and D had already begun amassing their own followers.  And R’s mother had even signed a restraining order against J, saying that “J was the worst thing that had ever happened to her family.”

President B decided that the drama had reached levels of insanity (my word, not his) and tabled the whole thing.  I spoke with him recently, and he said his stake might try it again in December 2015.  He said he was not even sure which of the leaders would even be interested in participating at that point.  He was sorry that I had been caught up in the drama.

What he didn’t say was even more telling to me.  He didn’t say, “and we hope that you will still consider being a part of this.”  He implied that he really didn’t think he needed to change anything about the cantata as it stands.  He said he would form an activities committee to organize the cantata.  He did not give me an opportunity to state my case or share my feelings.

I don’t know how that will turn out.  The leadership in such an endeavor really should be musically skilled.  And I wonder if such a committee, unaware of the drama that exists, would ask R to conduct again since he would be the obvious choice, having done it before.  And then, would such an appointment be approved by the stake presidency?

I am not a dramatic person.  I like to avoid confrontation.  I was unwittingly pulled into this drama.  I feel that the biggest point of contention actually became whether or not I would conduct.  So I feel uncomfortable that the drama revolved around me, when I felt that I was more of a bystander.

I have washed my hands of the whole thing.  I am now completely unwilling to participate in or promote a cantata in which Satan grabbed the hearts of men.  I have other things to do.  I have other goals and prospects, and I choose to be in places where I can be respected.  All of my skills and talents aside, I should be respected because I’m a person.

I know I’m a daughter of God.  I know He has a plan for me.  I hope that He will give me opportunities to serve and share my testimony with the talents He has given me.  And I pray that I can learn from this situation what I can do better, and what not to do in the future.

Postpartum Depression

I started my period last week.

It has been 19 months since I last menstruated, between being pregnant and nursing.

I knew I was depressed.  Really, really depressed.  I knew that postpartum hormones were, in part, to blame.

Other factors contributed: lack of sleep (always a big one for me), life's normal ups and downs, anxiety and depression as a part of my normal existence, loneliness, and Satan.

There were moments I felt frightened because of the thoughts in my head.  I felt like it would never end; that the deep depression was here to stay.  All of my negative thoughts and feelings were magnified tenfold.

I am grateful for the kind people who listened to my pain:

First, and foremost, my husband.  He was always there for me, even though I'm sure he didn't understand it.  He reminded me, over and over, that he knew who I really was beneath the sludge of depression.

Second, my mom and my sister.  They know me.  They understand me.  They have lifted me with their words and love.

Third, my friends A. and J.  Each, in her own way, listened without judging.  Each threw out life preservers at times when I needed it the most.  They checked in with me often, and they distracted me regularly.

With my hormones seemingly returning to normal, I feel like myself again.  The fog has lifted, and I remember now who I really am.  That wasn't me.

When it's time to do this all over again, I will get counseling before the depression settles in to make a home in my brain.