I Stink

See, I knew that would get your attention. But while you may be pondering the odor emanating from my corner of the world, I'm actually pondering how terrible I am at this family blog in the form of what's lacking: videos, pictures, and cute stories. So let's hear it: I stink.

All together now, do you want to hear our family update? Yes? Even though the pictures and videos are stuck on the camera for now? Alright, you asked for it.

Bryan: still busy as ever. In fact, he just drove down to the hospital to pick someone up and take them back to the nursing home. It's technically called a "Care Center," and people who live there are "Residents." But let's not be politically correct, because it is a place where people receive "acute nursing care," just one step down (or up?) from the hospital. Even though there are mostly old people, I have seen a few young people there in the last two years; so I think "residents" is a perfectly acceptable term.

Sundays, I have two callings: YW and ward choir director. Mondays I rehearse with the local choir(s) for three hours (come to our concert April 30 and May 2!) Tuesdays and Thursdays Caleb has soccer. Wednesday nights are YW activities. Thursday nights Bryan tries to play basketball, but more often then not stays home to spend time with me and the kids because he has been so busy all week long. Fridays and Saturdays we try to clean and shop and play but almost always fill the days with other things (such as soccer games; voice lessons; and the car breaking down 8 miles from home, filled with groceries and melting ice cream). It seems almost unbelievable that I could keep so busy with three kids when only one has extracurricular activities. Heaven, help me.

Caleb is mischievous. Not all the time, but he finds great amusement in teasing brother and sister. And almost invariably, he will write me a note telling me he's sorry and asking me to forgive him: check yes or no. So far, I haven't had to check 'no.' He also has been questioning everything I ask him with Why?! and WHAT?!, and we've had to have a lot of talks about being respectful and how mommies actually have reasons for everything they say and do.

Savanna has picked up on his attitude. She says things like, "When can I?" and "Fine, whatever!" We have talks about "You can't talk to mommy that way," since she doesn't understand respect. She also changes her clothes five times a day, if I let her.

Joseph. Oh, Joseph. Still happy as ever. Always smiling, always making new friends. Stinker, though. He makes a mess out of whatever he can reach. It's the destructive phase. You don't stack blocks, you knock them down. And everything else you can get your hands on. And even though he was never very cuddly, he pushes me away even more now. He wants to get down and explore all the time. Sacrament meeting is exhausting because it's constantly up, down, twist, over to daddy, back to mommy, smile at the people behind us, play the gravity game with the people behind us, up, down, etc. *SIGH* He's on the verge of walking, but crawling is just so much faster.

Even though they are challenging and exhausting, they are still really good kids, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

So now you see why I've fallen off the face of the earth with this blog. At the end of the day, when the kids are in bed, I'm usually just not in the mood to wait for videos and pictures to upload.

Okay, bloggy friends, I'm off. And I'm not going to promise that this is going to get any better. Maybe. Sometimes. We'll see. And seriously, if you want a more frequent, personal update, call me!

Cheerio!

New Blog

After much consideration, I have decided to start a new blog. This blog will be dedicated to family updates, pictures, and videos. And my other blog will be dedicated to my thoughts and essays. It will be public, for you Google Reader lovers; and I will try to indicate when updates are available on this private blog. Since my other blog will be public, I will refrain from using my family's names; please do the same in your comments.

http://aspoonfulofpeanutbutter.blogspot.com/

Cheers!

Lyrics

We have been listening to a CD in the car non-stop for about a month. And while I didn't understand the lyrics as a kid, they are really cracking me up now!

See if you can guess the movies and/or songs:

1. Ev'ry one ellis is jealous.

2. Oh, look: What's this? They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss. Why, that looks so unique, inspired!

3. As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating....As you see, I've got biceps to spare....And every last inch of me's covered with hair....I'm especially good at expectorating....And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a barge!

4. Now, it's happened once or twice, someone couldn't pay the price; and I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals. [sung very sweetly]

5. Where we finding baby, there are milk nearby.

Too tired.

Today, I'm too tired to be offended. I'm tired of being too tired and offended.

Let me back up. Iron deficiency anemia can come on so gradually that you are fully immersed in it before you even notice it. I have been iron deficient all my life. But I haven't always been very good at taking the supplements necessary to combat it. So it's no wonder that after being pregnant, having a baby, nursing a baby, and commencing menstruation again (sorry, guys), that I am severely iron deficient now. To the point of exhaustion, being lightheaded, and extremely emotional. Depression is a side effect of iron deficiency; but I wonder if it's really a side effect of being tired, which is a side effect of being iron deficient. Depression can also be a side effect of menstruation; again, I wonder if it is a side effect of being tired, because I am iron deficient, because I am menstruating. Well, no matter. You just need to know that I've been tired.

My social anxiety, which I addressed before, seems to be exacerbated by being tired. Sometimes my social anxiety sits down right next to depression on the spectrum.

I feel like I've been in a rut for about a month now. And it all seems to be related to the above issues.

And one other issue, which is that Bryan is my social life. Let me back up here, too. I had pretty severe social anxiety through high school and college, but particularly in college. It was not fun for me. But when I married Bryan, a very social person (nicknamed "the Ambassador" on his track team), all my anxiety went away. For two reasons. One, Bryan brought friends to me, and I didn't have to work all that hard for it. And two, as long as Bryan was there (to make me feel important and valuable), no one else mattered. Well, at least their opinions didn't matter as much to me.

Problem is, Bryan has been so busy with work and all the craziness there, that he doesn't have much time for a social life right now. Which means, I'm back to trying to have a social life all by myself again. And I'm tired. Really tired. Hence, the rut.

But I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but better.

And all that to explain why I'm too tired to be offended. By the guy in ward choir who rolled his eyes at me because he didn't like the way I was directing. I just don't feel like being bothered by it right now.

So I'm not.

So there.

:p

Green

Dear Matt,

On a day when some of us are green, and not because of the holiday, this brightened my day. Thanks for sharing!

Woes of an Introvert, Part II

I appreciate all of your comments; many have been very enlightening. But I feel like there is a little more to say here, since it seems that I may have been somewhat misunderstood.

Where to start?

I really appreciated Shalissa's comment about the difference between shy and introvert. I must say, by that definition, I vacillate between introvert and shy extrovert. Sometimes I really need people, even if that means stepping out of my shy self. Sometimes I just need to be alone. Which brings me to my next point.

I have always dealt with social anxiety. At one point I was even medicated for it; and at other points I have been able to deal with it on my own with a fair amount of success.

One of the main symptoms I deal with is the desire to run and hide, sometimes just figuratively. Any new or scary situation usually amplifies this desire, but I make myself stay put and ride the wave until it is over.

With that said, I feel that I need to tell you that my previous post was not me begging for attention or seeking compliments. It was also not a cry for help. It was a quest for understanding. And now I realize that many of you are trying to understand, and care a lot for me. And I appreciate that.

Many chunks of my life have been very difficult, with regards to social anxiety. Every day situations, which are normal to you, may create a huge obstacle for me. Which is probably a huge part of the frustration I illustrated in my previous post.

Thanks for reading.

Woes of an Introvert

I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. This week, many of the symptoms have come to the forefront as I have dealt with new (and old) situations. I think I wrote a post like this a few years ago, but I am here to enlighten you to what it feels like to be me.

Case Study #1: I teach the 16-17-year-old girls at church. I get very nervous and feel very awkward when I am teaching them. When they give me sideways glances, I feel like there is so much more behind the look than just a look. I worry that they've had conversations together about me (and maybe they have) about how dumb and uncool I am. While I would like not to care, I do. Not just because I wish I was cool (I do), but because I feel like I can't even be an effective teacher if they don't respect me.

Case Study #2: I lead the choir at church. I have a fair amount of musical knowledge, but I have very little experience in leading. While my performance degree helped me be able to stand or sit in the spotlight without looking nervous, inside I'm barely keeping it together. I worry that my awkwardness in what I say and do is creating a sympathetic response in my audience (the choir), so the feedback I get is less than ease. So then I worry about that, which makes me more nervous, which then spirals downward from there.

Case Study #3: I started an aerobics class today. It was so much fun, but I was far less than coordinated when it came to moves with more than 3 steps. I feel like an idiot, but at least I'm surrounded by friends. I guess my point here is that because I was so shy growing up, I didn't dare try new things, especially with regards to movement (dancing, athletics, etc.). I was so afraid of looking totally dumb, that, to this day, I still do not feel comfortable moving my body around.

Case Study #4: I'm trying to be okay with who I am. It is so bizarre to me that I can't choose not to be shy. It is a part of who I am, and all I can do is deal with it; but I doubt I will ever totally overcome it. More times than I care to admit, I have felt jealous of you. Yes, you. All of you, separately, at one time or another. Because you might be more outgoing than me, and you might make friends more easily than me. This makes me mad at myself and feel inferior to you. Or you might be more creative than me. Many of you are so creative. I'm not. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm terrible at decorating, sewing, crafting, scrapbooking, and the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I see your blog and all the really neat things you are doing. But then I have to realize that those things do not interest me. But then I feel frustrated because I still haven't discovered what does interest me, and it looks like you got it all figured out. I know in my mind that it's okay that I'm not exactly like you, but the way I feel is the opposite. I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied that I'm just different than you. I'm very introverted. And I don't have the same talents and interests. And that's okay. I guess.

I will never know what it feels like to be completely settled in my skin. But I hope I can attain a degree of satisfaction with who I am, even when my physiological response to new and scary situations dictates otherwise.