Our God, to Whom We Turn

Our God, to whom we turn
When weary, weary with illusion,
Whose stars serenely burn
Above this earth’s confusion,
Thine is the mighty plan,
The steadfast order sure
In which the world began,
Endures, and will endure.

Thou art Thyself the truth;
Though we who fain would find Thee,
Have tried, with thoughts uncouth,
In feeble words to bind Thee,
It is because Thou art
We’re driven to the quest;
Till truth from falsehood part,
Our souls can find no rest.

All beauty speaks of Thee:
The mountains and the rivers,
The line of lifted sea,
Where spreading moonlight quivers,
The deep-toned organ blast
That rolls through arches dim,
Hints of the music vast
Of Thine eternal hymn.

Wherever goodness lurks
We catch Thy tones appealing;
Where man for justice works
Thou art Thyself revealing;
The blood of Man, for man
On friendship’s altar spilt,
Betrays the mystic plan
On which Thy house is built.

Thou hidden fount of love,
Of peace, and truth, and beauty,
Inspire us from above
With joy and strength for duty.
May Thy fresh light arise, arise
Within each clouded heart,
And give us open eyes
To see Thee as Thou art.

To see Thee as Thou art.

-Edward Grubb (1925)

How to Remember Everything You Need at the Store

Okay, so this never actually works for me.  I still always forget something.  And I usually remember at a point when I am unwilling to go back to get the thing I forgot.

I usually start with a mental list of things I need, including the things I forgot last time.  By the time the list gets to about four things, I will no longer remember everything unless I write it down.  But by the time I write it down, some of those things have already slipped my mind.  So then I feel compelled to go through sub-category lists.  Do you do this?

First, FOOD.  What do I need for:
breakfasts
lunches
packed lunches
dinners
snacks
treats
drinks
food storage
etc.

Second, PERSONAL ITEMS.  Do I need (top to bottom):
shampoo
conditioner
soap
razors
contact supplies
q-tips
tissues
tooth care items
chapstick
makeup
deodorant
lotion
etc.

Third, CLOTHING and ACCESSORIES for:
Me
Bryan
Caleb
Savanna
Joseph
Isaac
Benjamin (including diapers and wipes)

Fourth, do I need items for my HOUSE:
kitchen
living rooms
bedrooms
bathrooms
outside
etc.

Fifth, I walk through each DEPARTMENT of the store in my mind to jog my memory of what else needs to be on the list:
hardware
toys
office supplies
home
electronics
jewelry
pharmacy
shoes
garden
auto
crafts
etc.

Sixth, is there anything that is IRREGULAR or RANDOM that I need?
gifts for birthday parties
chains for my tires
photo prints
etc.

And then I still always forget something.  And often I remember something as I walk past it in the store, which means I have a hard time sticking to my list.

Also, 7 people are expensive.

The end.

Cantatastrophe

Can-ta-ta: (noun) a medium-length narrative piece of music for voices with instrumental accompaniment, typically with solos, chorus, and orchestra.

Ca-tas-tro-phe: (noun) an event causing great and often sudden damage or suffering; a disaster; the final event of the dramatic action, especially of a tragedy.

Hierarchy of the Drama:

J’s husband: counselor in That Stake Presidency (I am in This Stake)

J: Stake Music Chair

Me: Musical Director (this year)

R: Musical Director (last year); orchestra specialist (this year)

D: Marketing and PR

S: choir member

On Christmas Eve 2013, D mentioned that her stake was organizing an Easter Cantata.  She encouraged me to participate, even though I am in a different stake.  In February 2014, I began attending rehearsals.  At the very first rehearsal, I noticed that the pages were not numbered properly, and I expressed my concern to the director R that it could become confusing and waste rehearsal time.  I suggested that we take a few minutes and number the pages together during rehearsal.  He rejected my idea, saying that the ordering of the pages would make more sense to me as we went along.

Very soon after, D called me and asked me if I would teach the children’s choir.  I said yes.  I found out much later that S had already been asked to teach the children, but D didn’t think S would be available to do it.  I never did know how the change was handled or how it was received.  I hoped that S wasn't offended.  I had to forego regular rehearsals to rehearse the children.  In the meantime, D continuously micromanaged my rehearsals with the children.  In the last weeks, I brought the children into the end of the rehearsals to practice with R and the adult choir.

I found out pretty quickly that R didn’t seem to have a lot of conducting experience, no choral experience, and little experience with children.  It was obvious that the children were struggling to follow him, and he was struggling to lead them in a way that was clear to them.

I wanted to direct the children in the performances, mirroring his actions; because I knew I could follow him, and I knew the children could follow me.  In the end, R again rejected my suggestion; he and D ended up asking another woman with little musical directing experience to mirror his conducting in the performance.

I also auditioned for a solo.  I auditioned for three people: R, D, and J.  At the audition, some of the people trying out were not prepared, so R asked if we wanted to postpone the audition.  In my opinion, that is unprofessional.  You should set a date, and people should be prepared by that date.  I didn’t want to have to come to another night to audition when I was prepared the first night.  Again, my suggestion was rejected.  The other problem with the three judges was that they couldn’t agree on who should get the solos, and they did not end up choosing the people who were best suited for the parts because of political correctness.  I did end up with a solo.  And I was the strongest soprano in the choir, according to R (even though I had missed so many rehearsals because of the children’s choir).  For those two reasons, R did not want me to also conduct the children in the performance because he felt that it would be too much movement on stage.

In the midst of the whole process, J began alluding that she might be interested in having me conduct the entire cantata next year.  I inferred that she didn’t think R’s skills were quite up to par.

The performances occurred.  There were many moments that I cringed because of the lack of preparedness of the choir, the orchestra, the director, the children (who still couldn’t follow another adult, who was following R), and just generally wrong notes and missed entrances.  I’m not sure how it sounded to the untrained ear, but it was awful at moments to my own.

Following the performances, J tried to gather all of the leaders for a post-production review.  R wouldn’t make time.  D wouldn’t make time.  It took over two months for all of us to gather.  In that meeting, R was asked how much time he had spent preparing and executing the production.  It was astronomical amounts of time.  He was asked how he would feel about sharing the load.  His response: “It would make my wife happy.”

Soon after, J’s husband informed me that their stake presidency and my stake presidency had approved my calling as the musical director for next year.  I began preparing and contemplating the schedule I would need to ready myself for the task.  I felt like, if R was willing, we could share the load.  I could prepare the chorus.  He could prepare the orchestra.  And we could share the responsibilities of conducting in the performance 50/50.  I felt that it was a very reasonable compromise.  J again tried to call a meeting with all the leaders; R wouldn’t make time; D wouldn’t make time.  We had a meeting without them.  The following month, R finally decided to make an appearance.  He dismissed my proposal that we split the responsibilities.  I asked him how he envisioned it, and he said he only wanted me to prepare the chorus.  He would conduct the performances.

If you’ll remember, that is exactly the frustration I had had with the children’s chorus.  I had prepared the children, he had conducted the performances, and I was ousted completely from the job.  All of my hard work was lost with this inexperienced conductor.  All of my future work would also be lost.

I had two conflicting feelings.  One, that I didn’t need the cantata:  I didn’t need the drama it created; and I didn’t need the cantata responsibilities just to stroke my ego.  And two, that I shouldn’t allow R to bully me.  It was (going to be) my calling, and not his.

The next day J and her husband came to visit me to do some damage control and to see how I felt about the interaction with R.  I explained that I couldn’t see how R and I could work together since he showed no willingness to compromise.

Soon after, J and her husband went to meet with R.  He told them that he was still unwilling to share the responsibility of conducting the performances because “if he didn’t conduct, his standing in the community would go down.”

I was worried that R would sabotage the whole thing if he didn't get his way.  Those with whom I discussed the situation doubted my fears.  Surely, he wouldn't do that.  No one would do that!

I discussed the anxiety I had with my mental health counselor.  She said that this story was familiar, that it reminded her of the war in heaven.  That one offered to do the task, but he wanted the glory for himself.  And Another offered to do the task, and the glory would be the Father’s.  I started to think that maybe I really did need the cantata; that it could be an opportunity to glorify my Savior.  My counselor suggested that I write down my feelings in a way that shed light on the darkness, and be prepared to share those feelings in the next cantata meeting.  I started thinking about what I should write/say.  But I never had the chance.

R and D went to the other Stake’s President, behind J’s back, to explain their feelings about how things should go.  President B was not happy that they did not go through the correct channels to express their concerns (J and her husband).  R and D had already begun amassing their own followers.  And R’s mother had even signed a restraining order against J, saying that “J was the worst thing that had ever happened to her family.”

President B decided that the drama had reached levels of insanity (my word, not his) and tabled the whole thing.  I spoke with him recently, and he said his stake might try it again in December 2015.  He said he was not even sure which of the leaders would even be interested in participating at that point.  He was sorry that I had been caught up in the drama.

What he didn’t say was even more telling to me.  He didn’t say, “and we hope that you will still consider being a part of this.”  He implied that he really didn’t think he needed to change anything about the cantata as it stands.  He said he would form an activities committee to organize the cantata.  He did not give me an opportunity to state my case or share my feelings.

I don’t know how that will turn out.  The leadership in such an endeavor really should be musically skilled.  And I wonder if such a committee, unaware of the drama that exists, would ask R to conduct again since he would be the obvious choice, having done it before.  And then, would such an appointment be approved by the stake presidency?

I am not a dramatic person.  I like to avoid confrontation.  I was unwittingly pulled into this drama.  I feel that the biggest point of contention actually became whether or not I would conduct.  So I feel uncomfortable that the drama revolved around me, when I felt that I was more of a bystander.

I have washed my hands of the whole thing.  I am now completely unwilling to participate in or promote a cantata in which Satan grabbed the hearts of men.  I have other things to do.  I have other goals and prospects, and I choose to be in places where I can be respected.  All of my skills and talents aside, I should be respected because I’m a person.

I know I’m a daughter of God.  I know He has a plan for me.  I hope that He will give me opportunities to serve and share my testimony with the talents He has given me.  And I pray that I can learn from this situation what I can do better, and what not to do in the future.

Postpartum Depression

I started my period last week.

It has been 19 months since I last menstruated, between being pregnant and nursing.

I knew I was depressed.  Really, really depressed.  I knew that postpartum hormones were, in part, to blame.

Other factors contributed: lack of sleep (always a big one for me), life's normal ups and downs, anxiety and depression as a part of my normal existence, loneliness, and Satan.

There were moments I felt frightened because of the thoughts in my head.  I felt like it would never end; that the deep depression was here to stay.  All of my negative thoughts and feelings were magnified tenfold.

I am grateful for the kind people who listened to my pain:

First, and foremost, my husband.  He was always there for me, even though I'm sure he didn't understand it.  He reminded me, over and over, that he knew who I really was beneath the sludge of depression.

Second, my mom and my sister.  They know me.  They understand me.  They have lifted me with their words and love.

Third, my friends A. and J.  Each, in her own way, listened without judging.  Each threw out life preservers at times when I needed it the most.  They checked in with me often, and they distracted me regularly.

With my hormones seemingly returning to normal, I feel like myself again.  The fog has lifted, and I remember now who I really am.  That wasn't me.

When it's time to do this all over again, I will get counseling before the depression settles in to make a home in my brain.

Baptisms for the Dead

When I was ten, I had a conversation with a girl named Claire.  She said that premarital sex was a good idea.  I testified that you shouldn't have sex before marriage.  She responded, "That's gross!"  I never forgot that conversation because it was so strange to me that she thought abstinence was gross, while I thought premarital sex was gross.

Claire lived in my neighborhood, and we rode the bus to school together.  But I really don't remember talking to her again after that.  We had different friends, we had different classes, and there really was never another opportunity to talk with her.

I found out that Claire was killed about a year ago in a house fire.  Her young son was killed with her.  I am heartbroken for a woman I barely knew, for her child, and for her friends and family.  They must be suffering from their tragic loss.

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father.  I believe He would create a world and a plan that would allow for the salvation of all of His children, if they would just choose to follow His plan.

I believe that we lived with Heavenly Father as spirits before we were born.  We needed to progress from that state; Heavenly Father's plan was to send us to Earth, give us bodies, give us the ability to choose, and allow us to be tested.  We would be taught the commandments, but we wouldn't remember our premortal life; so we would have to live by faith.  Heavenly Father knew that our ability to choose would mean that we would often make poor choices.  And if "no unclean thing" can dwell with God (1 Nephi 10:21), we would never be able to progress and return to His presence.  So we would be given a Savior, who would suffer the ultimate penalty for our sins; so that we wouldn't have to suffer, so that we could be made clean again, and so that we could return to live with Heavenly Father.  One came forward, offering to be the Savior; he would force men to make good choices, and he would keep the glory for himself.  It was Lucifer, the son of the morning, or Satan.  Another came forward, offering to be the Savior; He would follow Heavenly Father's plan of agency (or free choice), and give the glory to the Father.  It was Jesus Christ.  The Father chose Jesus Christ, and Satan was angry.  He had many followers, and all who continued to rebel against the Father's plan were cast out.  They would not be given an earthly experience, they would never receive bodies, and they could never progress from their current state.  They were angry, and Satan and his followers would become devils: tempting all mankind in diverse ways to cause them to stray from the straight and narrow path back to heaven.

Heavenly Father's plan is simple.  We would be given commandments.  And we would be given priesthood ordinances necessary to turn our hearts toward Christ.  First, we would need to have faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.  Second, we would need to repent of our sins.  Third, we would need to be baptized for the remission of sins.  Fourth, we would need to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (as a constant companion, as long as we remain worthy).  Finally, we would need to receive the ordinances of the temple: washing and anointing (a physical and spiritual cleansing), endowment (a gift of added power to overcome worldly things), and eternal marriage (not 'til death do you part, but a union that will continue after this life).

Following this life, we will be judged.  Heavenly Father will determine whether we kept the commandments or not and whether we repented or not.  Those who kept all the commandments (or at least repented when they did not) and who received all the ordinances required, will be offered a place in the Celestial Kingdom (the place where God dwells).  Those who lived good lives but did not choose to do everything required of them, will be offered a place in the Terrestrial Kingdom.  Those who lived evil lives and refused to repent will be offered a place in the Telestial Kingdom.  (These are described in 1 Corinthians 15:40-41 as sun, moon, and stars.)

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father.  I believe He did create a plan in which most of His children could be saved, and even exalted.  How can this be, if so many of His children wouldn't know His commandments, let alone receive all the necessary ordinances?  He provided a way!

After we die, our spirits are sent to the Spirit World.  There, all of Heavenly Father's children who didn't have the opportunity in life will be taught the gospel (what a fair and loving Heavenly Father!).  But those spirits will not have physical bodies, so they will not be able to receive the physical ordinances required to be exalted.  They are stuck.  But Heavenly Father provided the doctrine of ordinances for the dead, by proxy.  In the temple, worthy living people can do the work for and in behalf of those who are dead.  The Apostle Paul asked the Corinthians, "Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?"  But Christ is risen!  And the dead will rise!  So we need to be baptized, etc., for the dead!  Then, the dead will be allowed to accept or reject the ordinances done on their behalf.  Heavenly Father still allows them to choose.

Recently, I heard two separate stories of women (here and here) who were missing.  After many days of searching, both were found alive.  Each had been in an automobile accident, veered off into a ditch or ravine, and had become pinned in their cars.  Their loved ones had been frantically searching for them and just couldn't see them from their vantage points.  These women were stuck and in desperate need of rescue.

This is how I view the Spirit World.  There are many souls who are stuck.  They cannot progress.  They are dammed, or damned.  They cannot move forward without help.  They are in desperate need of rescue.  They are waiting for us, the living, to do their work.  How many millions, maybe billions, of our ancestors have been waiting for a long, long time for their ordinances to be done?  This is why genealogy is so important: "And [Elijah] will turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers" (Malachi 4:6).

Heavenly Father is real!  He provided a perfect plan!  He loves all of His children!  He has provided a way for all those children to return to Him.  It is not a "Get out of Jail Free" card that He offers.  We must obey the commandments, we must receive the ordinances, and we must repent.  Through the mercy of Jesus Christ, we can all be "saved" and exalted and receive all that the Father hath.  Both the living and the dead.

And Claire?  I like to think that she is being taught the gospel in the Spirit World.  I wonder if, when she watches the proverbial video of her life, she will remember me.  I wonder if she will remember our conversation.  I wonder if she will appreciate a ten-year-old testifying about the law of chastity, or if she will be sad that I didn't try to teach her more.  More than anything, I hope that she will accept the gospel.  I hope that her living family can accept the gospel and perform the ordinances for her.  She is waiting, and she may be waiting a long time, before she can fully enjoy the blessings of heaven.

Why are Mormons missionaries?  Because we want all of our brothers and sisters to enjoy the hope and happiness we look forward to.

I know that if you study the scriptures and pay attention to the good feelings which come from the Holy Ghost, you can know the truth of all things.  "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" (James 1:5).

One of the most valuable scriptures to me is the Book of Mormon.  It is a wonderful book written by prophets in the ancient Americas.  It clarifies so many important points of doctrine.  I feel the spirit of the Lord when I read it.  Would you like a free copy?  I can get you one.  And if you want to get started before your hard copy arrives, you can find it here.

I Love You A Bushel and a Peck

This is a song that we have sung to our children at bedtime; my parents sang it to me.  I just learned that there are two more verses:

I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck
A hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap
A barrel and a heap and I'm talkin' in my sleap
About you, about you
I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle doodle doodle, doodle doodle doodle,
Doodle doodle doodle-ee doo!

I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and you make my heart a wreck
Make my heart a wreck and you make my life a mess
Make my life a mess, yes! A mess of happiness
About you, about you
I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle doodle doodle, doodle doodle doodle,
Doodle doodle doodle-ee doo!

I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and it beats me all to heck
Beats me all to heck how I'll ever tend the farm
Ever tend the farm when I wanna keep my arm
About you, about you
I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle doodle doodle, doodle doodle doodle,
Doodle doodle doodle-ee doo!

Stay-at-Home Mom: A Letter to My Beloved Sister-In-Law

Hey, Patty,

I don't remember making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was one of those things that was always a part of me; I would bet that my mom instilled those desires in me as a small child.  I was always taught that I needed to get a degree in case I would ever need to provide for my family, but my mom expressed the importance of the mother being in the home.

So when we started our family, I really didn't have to think about it.

Then I started really struggling with my identity.  I was taken from the spotlight (literally) and thrown into the backstage of motherhood.  I'm not sure that struggle has ever left me entirely.  I spend my days taking care of other people and their needs, and often my needs go unmet.  It is NOT a glamorous calling.  It is hard.

I have often second-guessed my decision to stay home.  And then I look at my kids.  Really look at them.  And I see the progress that I HELPED THEM MAKE!  What a reward!  Sometimes even that doesn't help, and I have to reach out (like you are) for validation that what I am doing is important.  Sometimes that validation comes from scriptures, sometimes from prayer, sometimes from other people, sometimes from prophets and apostles, always from the Holy Ghost.

I see plenty of women in my ward who choose (sometimes from necessity) to work.  Those who have to work wish they didn't have to.  Those who want to work usually do it because they need to have an identity outside of the home.  I don't work right now, but I do try to find activities (usually a choir) just for me.  I spend a few hours each week doing it, and it replenishes that need for identity.

I have always hoped/planned to do something when all my kids are in school.  I don't think I could manage a full-time or even part-time job.  I think I will need the flexibility to be here for my children when things come up.  What I really want is to add something to society.  I might consider going back for more education, or maybe just find a way to volunteer and help people.  I would feel so unproductive if I just stayed home all by myself during the day.  I might consider getting a job if things worked out just right.

The benefits of being home.  Hm.  I think the most obvious benefit is that I do a lot of work here.  If I had to work outside the home, I would always feel the stress of also taking care of the household.  How does a woman who works find time to do housework?  That must be so hard!  But the clothes have to get washed, dishes cleaned, homework done, meals cooked, etc.

Another benefit is that I have the opportunity to teach my children.  Someone else isn't teaching them values, I am!  And I have ample time to be consistent and make sure my expectations are very clear.  I have lots of time to read with them, to hug and kiss them, to listen to them, to teach them to work, and to love them!  I get to do a lot of encouraging.  We also often have opportunities to talk about the gospel.  Mainly, I have TIME with them!  And I can greatly influence them.  And I can make sure I don't miss anything important, or miss teaching them something important. 

I feel that my kids are pretty well balanced.  They are happy, healthy, smart, have testimonies, and are not-too-selfish.  I hope that these are some of the things that I have accomplished by staying at home.

I find that attending the temple regularly helps me to reset my eternal perspective.  What, exactly, is this life really about?  If it is about living the gospel and striving for an eternal family, what should I do to accomplish the eternal goal?  Can I sacrifice a job/money/identity at least a little bit to help my children have testimonies?  To be prepared to be missionaries/wives/husbands/mothers/fathers of their own family someday?

I really appreciate the opportunity you gave me to think about this.  It seems like I regularly need a reminder of why I do what I do.

Love,
Brianne