I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. This week, many of the symptoms have come to the forefront as I have dealt with new (and old) situations. I think I wrote a post like this a few years ago, but I am here to enlighten you to what it feels like to be me.
Case Study #1: I teach the 16-17-year-old girls at church. I get very nervous and feel very awkward when I am teaching them. When they give me sideways glances, I feel like there is so much more behind the look than just a look. I worry that they've had conversations together about me (and maybe they have) about how dumb and uncool I am. While I would like not to care, I do. Not just because I wish I was cool (I do), but because I feel like I can't even be an effective teacher if they don't respect me.
Case Study #2: I lead the choir at church. I have a fair amount of musical knowledge, but I have very little experience in leading. While my performance degree helped me be able to stand or sit in the spotlight without looking nervous, inside I'm barely keeping it together. I worry that my awkwardness in what I say and do is creating a sympathetic response in my audience (the choir), so the feedback I get is less than ease. So then I worry about that, which makes me more nervous, which then spirals downward from there.
Case Study #3: I started an aerobics class today. It was so much fun, but I was far less than coordinated when it came to moves with more than 3 steps. I feel like an idiot, but at least I'm surrounded by friends. I guess my point here is that because I was so shy growing up, I didn't dare try new things, especially with regards to movement (dancing, athletics, etc.). I was so afraid of looking totally dumb, that, to this day, I still do not feel comfortable moving my body around.
Case Study #4: I'm trying to be okay with who I am. It is so bizarre to me that I can't choose not to be shy. It is a part of who I am, and all I can do is deal with it; but I doubt I will ever totally overcome it. More times than I care to admit, I have felt jealous of you. Yes, you. All of you, separately, at one time or another. Because you might be more outgoing than me, and you might make friends more easily than me. This makes me mad at myself and feel inferior to you. Or you might be more creative than me. Many of you are so creative. I'm not. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm terrible at decorating, sewing, crafting, scrapbooking, and the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I see your blog and all the really neat things you are doing. But then I have to realize that those things do not interest me. But then I feel frustrated because I still haven't discovered what does interest me, and it looks like you got it all figured out. I know in my mind that it's okay that I'm not exactly like you, but the way I feel is the opposite. I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied that I'm just different than you. I'm very introverted. And I don't have the same talents and interests. And that's okay. I guess.
I will never know what it feels like to be completely settled in my skin. But I hope I can attain a degree of satisfaction with who I am, even when my physiological response to new and scary situations dictates otherwise.
11 comments:
I'm sure you've heard this a million times before, but every person that you are feeling inferior to have those exact same feelings about you and everyone else they meet, too.
And trust me, you have so many qualities about you that I, myself, am completely jealous of (the fact that you have watched another baby the same age as yours for more than three hours without going crazy is just one). I remember the first time we talked in the mother's lounge at church I thought you were seriously one of the nicest people I have ever met, which is a quality I would love to have.
Anyway, great post and great courage for sharing things like that with everyone. YOU are awesome!
Something that we all often forget is that we are children of God. We are divine. He loves that we are all different with our own talents and interests, that's how He made us. He also wants us to be happy with ourselves (which I'm sure you know all of this anyways). It's much easier said than done, to be happy with ourselves. But just remember that God loves you! You are His child and He sees all of your great qualities that we often don't see.
I struggled for a while trying to find my talents (because I knew that we all had some) and after much searching I found some that others might not see at first sight. Some talents are hidden a little more than others but we do all have talents. As for interests, we can always develop new ones. I also think there is such a wide range of things that we can be interested in. To have two or three is plenty, we don't have to have 8 or 9 to feel complete. The leaders of the church tell us to simplify our lives. We can't be great at everything. There is a great talk by M Russell Ballard, "Daughters of God", given in the April 2008 conference talk that touches on this subject.
You have plenty of things that you are talented in and plenty of things that you are interested in. Some of those things that I know of are:
*of course your music (absolutely talented)
*math (you do math for fun, that's an interest)
*writing (you are very creative in your writing, I've noticed on your blogs)
*intelligent
Those are just a few that I've noticed and I have always lived far away from you, imagine what closer loved ones notice and those who live among you.
Lastly, don't ever feel jealous of me. I have my own struggles and weakness that are very obvious at times and some that aren't so obvious. We are all imperfect trying to help one another return to our Father in Heaven.
I love you Brianne and am excited to see you in a month or so.
I think it's funny because when I read your blog I am always so jealous of your writing style. You have this way of captivating me with everything you write, such a talent. I have to agree with your other commmentors we all feel inferior in one way or another whether it's crafting, or sewing or singing. I know how it is to be an introvert I have just accepted too that it is something I will struggle with my whole life. I am always wishing I could be more outgoing, but that is just not me as much as I would like it to be.
Sometimes you say my thoughts exactly. I think we should live closer together and then we could be introverted together. And jealous together ;) I think you're wonderful and VERY talented in ways that I am not.
Brianne, I miss you. I want to hang out. I think you're cool.
I agree with what other people have said above.
And I have one other tidbit for you to chew on...the Meyers Briggs personality test distinguishes introversion from shyness. I am, for example, a very outgoing introvert. And they say you can be a very shy extrovert. In their definition, extroverts gain energy from interactions with other people, and feel drained in being alone too long. Introverts need alone time to regroup and generally feel drained by social interactions. (I could talk to anyone on the planet, cold, but I almost never voluntarily pick up the phone). You might still be an introvert, but that aspect may be separate from (though related to) shyness. Even if you hate large groups, if you frequently seek out individual friends for refreshment, you can be a shy extrovert.
I loved and totally related to this paragraph: "Many of you are so creative. I'm not. I don't have a creative bone in my body. I'm terrible at decorating, sewing, crafting, scrapbooking, and the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I see your blog and all the really neat things you are doing. But then I have to realize that those things do not interest me. But then I feel frustrated because I still haven't discovered what does interest me, and it looks like you got it all figured out."
Well, I'm kind of annoyed at reading this post because you are so obviously not dumb and incredibly talented and cool. You are too worried about what other people think of you. Of course the young women don't sit around and talk about your faults. And who cares if they think you're cool or not. You are the Leader because you know what's going on, you've made it to a lot of your goals in life (married in the temple, having a beautiful family) and they are looking to you for guidance. So don't be insecure and concerned about what they think. It's what you think and what God thinks that matters, and God already has told you that you are of great worth. If other people like you or think well of you then that's like an added bonus, and if not--it's their loss. Lose yourself in service to your family and friends and forget about your insecurities. And you really CAN choose not to be shy. It takes a lot of work and pushing beyond your comfort zone. I discovered how fun it is to not be shy when I went to EFY alone for the first time. I thought I would die because I didn't have my best friend to confide in and be with me, but I made a lot of new friends and had a great time. Instead of hoping other people will think you're cool and waiting for their friendship, do everything you can to be a great friend and build up the people around you. Stop thinking about yourself in negative ways.
I think for your next post you should show a talent you have and something you like about yourself. Everybody could make a big list of stuff they don't do well, but take the challenge to recognize your gifts and what's great about yourself.
I'm the one that is supposed to be jealous of you, not the other way around! Besides being absolutely beautiful, you are witty, kind, real, amazingly talented, and all around fun to be around! We should get together sometime, we are due a trip to Washington to see my sister.
I have to second Jenny's comment. I LOVE the way you write on your blog. You have such a great way of putting your thoughts into words and make great points along the way. I cannot for the life of me write what I really want to say. I think you are COOL to actually put what everyone thinks of themselves out there for others to read. I admire you for that!
Wow. You and I are more alike than I previously thought. *high five*
I can relate to your post in so many ways. it's hard to get over that feeling that everyone is watching you or that everyone is better. it does help to find something you're passionate about--I could recommend a couple books that can help in that arena, if you like--but in the meantime, i do think we will all feel more comfortable in our skin at some point. my mom struggled with this too, and told me once you hit a certain age, it gets easier. and for what it's worth, you made me feel better--at least i'm not the only other one who's trying to figure out who i am at this point in my life!
Post a Comment