If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

This is one of my favorite quotes from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.  It is spoken by Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who is bragging about her taste in music.

I am a really good singer.  When I open my mouth to sing and the acoustics are accommodating, I have some mad skills.

I struggled in college.  All of the singers were crazy-talented, and there was a lot of competition.  It was hard, but it was also great.  It made you work.  My senior year was extremely demanding, and I accomplished some things I never thought I could (and still don't know how I did).

I took a class, I don't remember exactly which, where we did a lot of reading about singing and careers.  I remember reading an article that basically said I didn't have what it takes.  It listed some specific skills that I knew I didn't have, and I was so offended.  It really bothered me at the time because I had worked soooo hard academically and in the practice room.

But it was right.  And it has taken me a lot of years to accept it and understand why.

I hate competition.  I hate being compared.  I hate being judged.  These are all essential parts of show-biz, and they all go against every introverted fiber of my being.

I think I thought that I would grow out of the introversion.  To a point, the more you perform (and you perform A LOT in college), the easier it gets.  But it certainly comes more naturally for some than others.  And I found out that I wouldn't grow out of my anxiety.  I manage it (sometimes better than other times), but it will always be a part of me.

So my continual struggle is what to do with my talents.  I spent a lot of years developing them.  Blood, sweat, tears, and college tuition were my sacrifice.  I love to sing, and I love to perform, but I fear the criticism.

And I had six children.  I knew, through the Spirit of God, that my children were my path.  And they still are.  But as my children get older, I find myself constantly facing the question of what I'm going to do next.  I've dreamed of going back to college and getting more degrees, but I don't really have a solid plan for afterward.

I don't know what to do next, and that really bothers me.  It seems like everyone else knows what they are doing, and what they are going to do, with their lives.  I envy that confidence.

I will always wonder: if I had gone further with my education, would I be a great proficient?  My dreams are morphing, but into what?  It is really hard to set goals without the end in mind.  I feel very frustrated, not knowing.

I've asked Heavenly Father, many times, why he would pair such a strength with such a weakness.  It still has not been revealed to me.  For now, I will just have faith that someday I will know why; and that someday I will know what to do with it.