Friends

It has been a long time since I've posted here, but I think I'm ready to start blogging again.  No, I need to start blogging again.  It is cathartic for me, and it almost feels like the blog itself is an understanding friend.

I have been lonely and depressed since we moved, on and off.  It seems like every time I finally feel connected to someone, they draw back.  I don't think I'm the needy, ever-present, annoying kind of friend; but I can't seem to retain friendships.

I have met and conversed with a lot of different people since we moved here.  I am on good terms with all of them, and I would introduce most of them as my friends.  But it stays superficial; it doesn't go deeper.  I am introverted, and I keep a lot of my "stuff" to myself.  I would say it is very difficult for me to open up to others unless they prove to me that they are "safe."  Even then, it feels like a gamble: will they still like me after I expose my weaknesses?

So, in my loneliness, I made two lists.  First, I made a list of people I know here.  Because I'm a shy, stay-at-home mom, I don't actually know very many people.  But on that list, I would say I've really only spent a fair amount of time with four of them.  Two of them I'm only a bit more comfortable with.

The second list was the people who I would consider my best friends from the past.  There are three friends, plus my mom and my sister, to whom I have felt particularly close.  When I have reconnected with these wonderful women, I feel a deep love and admiration for them.  I wondered if these special people had traits in common, traits that draw me to them time and time again.  I came up with four qualities off the top of my head.

1. Humble.  These women do not have pride.  They are not pretentious.  They are genuinely humble.

2. Listen.  These women know how to listen, not just hear.  They are not making judgments, and they are not thinking of what they might say next.

3. Charity.  These women know how to love.  Even in my weaknesses, they still love me.  My weaknesses don't turn them off; they are compelled to stay with me and keep loving me.

4. Sweet.  These women have some ethereal quality (that evades me) of pure sweetness.

Really, all of these qualities seem to be on a spectrum.  They all go together, like it's one quality with different functions.

So even though I'm lonely today, and on the verge of depression (again), I am writing this down so that I can commit to working on these qualities myself.  These women are loved by everyone who knows them, and they are admired deeply by me.  I pray that I can learn how to assimilate these qualities by emulating them.