I have a problem, and I may have already told you about it.
I look young for my age.
Which means I get funny looks from people who learn that I'm pregnant with my third child.
It happens over and over. And a few of you have been with me during these experiences.
Yes, I feel like I need to defend myself so that people don't think I'm some idiot teenager who can't keep herself from getting pregnant.
But more than that, I want people to understand our conscious decisions, which have been based completely in our moral and religious beliefs.
I want people to know that we waited to have sex until after we were married. I was 20 and my husband was 22 when we got married in the temple for eternity, not just till death do us part. I finished my college degree, and chose to be a stay-at-home mom. I have two small children and one on the way. Yes, I have my hands full! But each child that has come to us was a result of prayer and inspiration from Heavenly Father. And I feel so privileged to be their mom, that Heavenly Father trusted me to do that job. Children have a right to come to a good home, and that is what we try to provide.
So how would you convey that to random people who ask or make comments?
12 comments:
Well, since I had my fourth child just after turning 25 (and at that point I apparently looked like I was only 17 or 18) I can relate to this all too well. I don't really know what to say for giving advice. A few times, I just said, I'm older than I look... I'm sure I'll appreciate it when I'm 40. OR... I'm older than I look... "Really, how old are you?"... Well, that's really none of your business. Over the years of being stopped countless times to be told, "Wow, you've got your hands full!" or "Are these all yours?" or "You look too young to have four kids." I have really lost my patience with such remarks (sad to say). And it's actually kinda sad when the "you look so young" comments start to come less and less. Now as I am nearing 29, I am starting to get it less and what once used to irritate me, I now miss. The stress of life with a military husband and four small children, must be starting to show in my face! Oh no!
So, I wish I had some great words to wisdom to help you with this, but I think at some point you have to learn to just block it all out and know that Heavenly Father knows you and He is aware of the decisions you have made and that's all that matters.
Best of luck!
I think Shalissa's comment to "Wow, you have your hands full" is a good one: "They're worth it."
And I think the appropriate reaction really depends on the situation. If it's a snide remark from somebody in line in the grocery store, then I'd probably just let it go.
A snide remark from somebody whom you have to deal with often? I would probably casually mention how old you are or how young you look or something.
I think it's good to have a patent answer that you always use. My answer for the "When are you having kids?/Why don't you have kids yet?" question is just: We'd like to but we haven't yet. It's short, answers the question and says, "No more questions."
Maybe you can have a set response, or a couple of them to shield off the various responses/looks/questions you get.
Brianne, I love you. I'm so impressed with your example of faithfulness and your courage to take up the mantle of mother honorably in this trying moral time. You are a great mom, conscientious, compassionate, loving... If it were me, I would continue to be an amazing mother. Care for your children in public as well as you do in private. Let people see how much you love the children you have and that you obviously wanted them and planned for them.
A lot of people are stupid. Some people will always judge. Don't let it get to you. You know the truth and you live by it. Let your life be that example of virtue and your honest intentions can't be hidden behind a young looking face.
I've gone through the same things and I decided that it didn't matter what they think because I'm raising hard working, honest kids. I don't accept a dime from the government and my kids are in a safe, loving home. If these people think there's something wrong with it, then they need to get a life!
So although my situation is different, I get a lot of people who give me incredulous looks and statements suggestive of "was that an accident?" and I want to yell at them that I prayed about it and it was planned and it is okay because I am old enough, smart enough, and strong enough to have a child. People are stupid and don't filter what they say or the looks they give. And by golly, it should feel good to not look like a run down mommy! so there-I justify your feelings!!!
I think you should make this fun. Feed into it and totally make them believe their own judgements. Just go over-the-top!!! Then at night you can go home and tell Bryan about it and just laugh. That's what I'd do because I'm sick and twisted like that.
In all seriousness, YOU ROCK!! AMEN to what you've said. You're an awesome mom and your are proof of that!
I obviously have not been in your situation as I have no children, but I am thinking of brief statements that communicate who you are, subtle ways you can let them know your age and values.
1. My husband and I are so excited (in response to those who think you are a teen mom--it indicates you are legally married)
2. My hands ARE full with 3 kids. I'm so glad I got my college degree so I really know how to multi-task (it shows you're educated and you've done other things in life)
3. I love being a mom. I've done college and work and now this is the season in my life to be a mom(it communicates that you chose to stay home and are happy with it).
Brianne, these are just thoughts that came to my mind as I read your blog. There is just a subtle way to communicate to others what your "story" is...something a stranger cannot know unless you share glimpses with them.
Lue
What a great posts! You have such a talent with writing. I am in the same boat that you are in. People ALWAYS comment when I go out and am still thinking of ways to respond.
thanks for your testimony--it is funny to look younger, isn't it? we always just laugh that we'll have it good at 40. we can't control what other people will think about us, but it seems smart to either let it go or treat it lightly. that way it doesn't build up under your skin. you know you have no reason to get defensive, and stupid people are funny.
First off, I WISH I had your problem! I just turned 30 and sometimes I feel like I look fifteen years older! Don't worry about what others might think or say - celebrate your youth and good looks! Something I have noticed with people is that a change in wardrobe or haircut can make a huge difference, if you wanted to go that route and avoid the annoying comments, etc. Lots of people said I looked more my age when I chopped my hair off. Course, I am growing it out now because I prefer it that way. In the end, you can't please everyone so why bother? :o) Just flash them your wedding ring and mention how long you've been married. Or just tell them to shut their pie holes - but you're probably too nice to say that. haha!
I guess I think even if people do know the background they probably will still give looks because really we are pretty young for having so many children compared to the world, (besides those teenage parents). I guess one of the best ways to be happy about our decisions and not to complain too much. And there is always the remark that you guys prayed and knew that it was right for you and your family.
You might consider writing a personal little pass along card entitled something like, "My philosophy on family." Then include a version of what you wrote on your blog together with a cute picture or cartoon (so it's friendly instead of defensive) and maybe a link to church doctine. Then give it out with a big smile whenever you see (or imagine) raised eyebrows. And if you do this, I would love to see it, because I'm having fun just imagining doing the same thing...
Shalissa
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