Dear Mothers With Young Children,
I always wanted to be a mother, and I thought it would be natural for me to step into that role. It hasn't been as easy or natural for me as I had hoped.
So, I have a few questions for you:
1. You make it seem so easy. Do you really have it all together?
2. What do you do, or tell yourself, that helps you enjoy being a mother?
3. What kinds of things do you do to entertain your kids?
4. What kinds of things do you to do entertain yourself?
5. Do you ever get bored with your kids' activities?
6. How do you use your talents and/or degrees?
7. How do you schedule your time?
When my first child was born, it was easy. When my second child was born, it was fairly easy. When my first child became a preschooler and my second child became a toddler, life got harder. Now I find myself struggling to maintain my identity, enjoy my children, and enjoy my talents and hobbies.
I think I'm a good parent, and I love my children, I just really would like advice on how to enjoy young motherhood. Because, at least for me, it's hard. And I don't want to look back on this time and wish I had done it differently.
Sincerely,
Brianne
8 comments:
1. I know I absolutely do NOT have it all together. If you want proof of that, come look at my house!
2. I struggle with these same things, so I keep telling myself that these days won't last forever and that I really will miss these days. The Trace Adkins song really helped me out on that one.
3. In the summer we fill our pool (kiddie one) with water and play outside, do the free movies, read books, parks, etc. Anything to make the time pass.
4. I read, watch my shows, and think of all the time I'm going to have when my kids are in school.
5. This should question should read "are you ever NOT bored with your kids' activities?" At least for me, it would fit better!
6. I feel like I'm still searching for my talents to use--but maybe my talent is being a really good researcher.
7. I don't always schedule my time because when I do and it doesn't work out, I feel like I failed. But when it does work out, it's great.
Dear Bri-
I have a lot of the same feeling as you do. It is hard to be a mother. I love my children, but honestly get bored sometimes. I work part-time and often feel guilty and overwhelmed by being away from my kids, but I also latch onto the life and identity I have at work. Here are some of my responses to your questions:
1) Nobody has it as together as they seem.
2) I write down the good things and post them on my blog or write them in my journal. I laugh at things I should probably cry about (like my frustrations).
3) Let them watch too much TV, plan play dates with other kids, go to any ward activities where children will be playing, go for walks, get them enrolled in a preschool, etc.
4) Spend too much time on my blog, read, invite friends over that have children the same age as mine (or around the same age) so that the kids can play and we can chat.
5) I get way bored with my kids' activities. That's why I invite other kids over so they can entertain my children.
6) I don't feel like I have a lot of useful talents. I do work part-time which is good and bad. I get a chance to use my degrees, but I also feel overwhelmed with all my responsibilies. I try to get involved with the ward by hosting book clubs, participating in play groups, gathering friends, etc.
7) I try not to get too scheduled because the more pressured I get for time the more impatient I am with my children. I just try to think that I'm not really supposed to get much done, so when I do get something done I feel proud of myself.
Being a mother is hard. I doubt I'm doing it well. Hopefully my kids will forgive me someday.
these are really good questions. I think I might post them on my blog because I am having a hard time with that. currently I'm in grad school trying to cling to my "pre mom" identity, but I think I've realized that I'm in over my head. I should have just joined a book club or something! so anyway I keep my sanity as a mom by doing something during the week that is just for me and no one else in the family, and i have a supportive husband.
Hey Bri,
It's amazing how so many of us mom's feel the same way and the different routes we take to try to handle the feelings. As you know I have dealt with these exact concerns and here a couple of things that I have done and some answers to your questions.
1. I have realized that NO mother has it together like we might think that they do and no it isn't easy for any of us.
2. Recently I have been reading talks or quotes from prophets/apostles that remind me of how important the role of motherhood is. A friend of mine got me the book "Wisdom of the Prophets/ Motherhood" and it has lifted me a ton.
3. Like many of the other mothers we go to storytime every week, read books, do art activities (I just found a bunch online and bought the necessary supplies), play outside, go on walks, bike riding, playgroups, etc.
4. I have realized that my hobbies can not be done until the kids are in bed. After they go to bed I have tried to read, do research (family, health, parenting), exercise, and call family. I currently am in the process of thinking about some projects to start. During the day we clean and run errands. I also give myself one night a week where I got out by myself or with friends to have my time. I go shopping, family history center, walking, etc. and Dallon puts the kids to bed that night.
5. I do get bored but I have tried really hard to remind myself that we are raising the future generation. On those days that I'm too bored and can't lift myself out of it, I call the neighbors over to play with Zeeli.
6. I don't use my degree besides doing research. And like I said before I kind of wait until they are in bed. I have just accepted that right now with our situation going to work part-time just isn't the best for us.
7. I actually do plan things for the day otherwise I would be bored out of my mind and get nothing done. There have been days when I plan too much and get bummed that I haven't completed them all. Now I just plan 3-5 things that I would like to get done that day and that includes things with the kids. A little schedule helps the kids as well. For instance, we read books after lunch time almost every day and Wed. mornings is when we go to storytime, etc.
Well I hope this is helpful. Just do what is best for you and your family. And remember that none of us moms have it together. Call me if you want to talk, I would love it.
this is so different for everyone, but here are my answers. i hope something helps, even if it's just knowing that you're not alone in these feelings.
balance is key--when i'm feeling out of whack, i think about how i've spent my time so far and what might help me feel better.
1. I like to joke that if we're being social--doing play dates, going to the park, etc.--my house is messy. otherwise, it seems like my house is clean but that's all i've done. i'm trying to get things into order and establish good habits so i don't have to have big cleaning days. i'm a list person, too, so i try to make lists and prioritize. i even make a list i call "the ideal list," where i list everything i would like to do that day. it's implied from the title that i won't get everything done on the list, and it becomes more of a game to see how many things i can cross off. i also use a timer--it works well for things i don't like to do but have to. i can do almost anything for 5, 10, or 15 minutes, and i always feel better.
2. I keep journals for my kids--just recording what they're doing and reviewing our day helps me. keeping separate journals helps me practice writing, which is one of my talents. when i'm feeling down, though, it helps to count my blessings--i write a quick entry in my own journal of something that each kid and my husband have done that day that makes me happy. it's cliche, but it really does help me.
3. jane loves painting the sidewalk and the house with water--we go outside with a cup of water and paint sponges or brushes and paint away. we like to explore all the parks around here, go for walks.
4. i try to listen to good podcasts or NPR--anything "grown up" and intellectually stimulating. i also like to read.
5. i do get bored, but i try to refocus on my kids faces--seeing their joy sometimes lifts me up. another things that helps me stay i the moment: i set my timer. i tell jane i'll play whatever she wants until the timer goes off. then we have this external force that determines how long we play instead of me always calling it directly.
I'm trying to get more organized so i can work on projects that are personally more fulfilling--i'm also figuring out even just doing a little makes me feel better than doing nothing. i also comfort myself with the thought that there is a time and season for everything. i've read articles about women who have raised their families and then later worked on their own projects. one of the women talked about how the lessons she learned from raising her kids enriched her work later on.
7. for schedules, i make different attempts. one: i try to pick a theme for the day: i.e., today is my day to get everything tidy. tomorrow is errand day. wednesday i'll try to do things on my procrastinated list. thursday i'll probably tidy up again, and try to make some plans. i try to schedule things ahead of time, but most of the time i can't really know how the day will go until it begins. i tell myself that it's okay to wait until then to plan my day, as long as i come up with some kind of plan.
hope that helps and that we can get together again soon. you guys need to come swimming. it would also be fun just to hang out.
Hi Brianne,
I've thought a lot about this post, and I just agree with everything everyone above has said about there being no easy answers. I don't have any great wisdoom to contribute, but I'll look forward to general sypathizing/chatting with you by phone some night soon when things get quieter. Love to you!
Shalissa
i'll keep this short because i am about to puke. :o)
1. You make it seem so easy. Do you really have it all together?
NO. I just like people to think so.
2. What do you do, or tell yourself, that helps you enjoy being a mother?
Don't sweat the small stuff. Once I realized that life was messy and it's OKAY...I relaxed and enjoyed my children more. I also remind myself (just like that song), "You're gonna miss this - you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..."
3. What kinds of things do you do to entertain your kids?
Coloring books, art projects (you can find tons of stuff on-line), trips to the library, nature walks, water balloons, backyard play, play-dough, movies, dancing around the house, fingerplay songs, board games, shadow puppets, storytime, making up a story together, rhyming words, cleaning house together, bang on pots and pans, make mud pies, bake bread/cookies...etc!
4. What kinds of things do you to do entertain yourself?
Recently I told the kids to put on a play for me. Jessica is 7 so she arranged it. It was HILARIOUS to watch them do their own version of "High School Musical." So, sometimes I entertain myself by watching them - and I get a good laugh. By myself...I read, sew, take a walk, bike ride, watch a movie, learn something new, scrapbook, take a drive, dance...
5. Do you ever get bored with your kids' activities?
Absolutely. We are grown ups! We can't be expected to love everything they do, right? I tend to focus more on enjoying their enjoyment of the activity.
6. How do you use your talents and/or degrees?
Whenever I have a moment! It helps to swap babysitting with a friend, or hire a sitter so you can BE with friends. Unfortunately, we are moms and we can't just take off like we used to. I also like to share/teach my talents to my children (if I am feeling patient enough)...such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, dancing, etc.
7. How do you schedule your time?
I used to be more regimented. Having a schedule can really help children to know what is expected of them, and what comes next in their day. We have a basic schedule, but it also needs to be flexible. Being spontanteous helps keep things interesting for everyone! Variety, after all, IS the spice of life...
And now, I am going to moan and groan on the couch til naptime is over...
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