Stay-at-Home Mom: A Letter to My Beloved Sister-In-Law

Hey, Patty,

I don't remember making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was one of those things that was always a part of me; I would bet that my mom instilled those desires in me as a small child.  I was always taught that I needed to get a degree in case I would ever need to provide for my family, but my mom expressed the importance of the mother being in the home.

So when we started our family, I really didn't have to think about it.

Then I started really struggling with my identity.  I was taken from the spotlight (literally) and thrown into the backstage of motherhood.  I'm not sure that struggle has ever left me entirely.  I spend my days taking care of other people and their needs, and often my needs go unmet.  It is NOT a glamorous calling.  It is hard.

I have often second-guessed my decision to stay home.  And then I look at my kids.  Really look at them.  And I see the progress that I HELPED THEM MAKE!  What a reward!  Sometimes even that doesn't help, and I have to reach out (like you are) for validation that what I am doing is important.  Sometimes that validation comes from scriptures, sometimes from prayer, sometimes from other people, sometimes from prophets and apostles, always from the Holy Ghost.

I see plenty of women in my ward who choose (sometimes from necessity) to work.  Those who have to work wish they didn't have to.  Those who want to work usually do it because they need to have an identity outside of the home.  I don't work right now, but I do try to find activities (usually a choir) just for me.  I spend a few hours each week doing it, and it replenishes that need for identity.

I have always hoped/planned to do something when all my kids are in school.  I don't think I could manage a full-time or even part-time job.  I think I will need the flexibility to be here for my children when things come up.  What I really want is to add something to society.  I might consider going back for more education, or maybe just find a way to volunteer and help people.  I would feel so unproductive if I just stayed home all by myself during the day.  I might consider getting a job if things worked out just right.

The benefits of being home.  Hm.  I think the most obvious benefit is that I do a lot of work here.  If I had to work outside the home, I would always feel the stress of also taking care of the household.  How does a woman who works find time to do housework?  That must be so hard!  But the clothes have to get washed, dishes cleaned, homework done, meals cooked, etc.

Another benefit is that I have the opportunity to teach my children.  Someone else isn't teaching them values, I am!  And I have ample time to be consistent and make sure my expectations are very clear.  I have lots of time to read with them, to hug and kiss them, to listen to them, to teach them to work, and to love them!  I get to do a lot of encouraging.  We also often have opportunities to talk about the gospel.  Mainly, I have TIME with them!  And I can greatly influence them.  And I can make sure I don't miss anything important, or miss teaching them something important. 

I feel that my kids are pretty well balanced.  They are happy, healthy, smart, have testimonies, and are not-too-selfish.  I hope that these are some of the things that I have accomplished by staying at home.

I find that attending the temple regularly helps me to reset my eternal perspective.  What, exactly, is this life really about?  If it is about living the gospel and striving for an eternal family, what should I do to accomplish the eternal goal?  Can I sacrifice a job/money/identity at least a little bit to help my children have testimonies?  To be prepared to be missionaries/wives/husbands/mothers/fathers of their own family someday?

I really appreciate the opportunity you gave me to think about this.  It seems like I regularly need a reminder of why I do what I do.

Love,
Brianne