Thoughts

Oh, my! It has been a LONG time since I posted anything.  So much has happened, namely Benjamin.  I will write more about him in an upcoming blog post, but for now I have a few thoughts I wanted to put out there.

Writers block aside, I haven't written for so long because my overarching motivation in life has been, "When am I going to get my next nap?"  Now that I am sleeping regularly again, my brain has turned back on.

• Smart phone. I strongly resisted getting a cell phone in the first place.  Mainly because I couldn't afford one.  I finally got one in about 2009.  I had three kids, and one of them had started school.  I felt like I needed my child to be able to reach me by phone even if I was out of the house.  Bryan urged me to upgrade to a smart phone after he got one for work.  I resisted again; my observation was that I had a cell phone, and I had access to the internet at home.  What more could I need?  Then, it was my turn for a free upgrade with our cell phone provider.  Free? Sure, why not?  And then, WOW!  I can't live without it.  This relatively tiny device now serves as a phone; and email, and facebook, and text, and calendar, and calculator, and bank, and camera, and video camera, and scriptures, and other gospel study, and clock, and weather, and phone book, and radio, and shopping list, and GPS, and internet, and Netflix.
• Netflix. I have had lots of forced down-time with a nursing baby.  (Not to mention that he needed to be held ALL DAY LONG for the first four months of his life.) It has been awesome to read my scriptures, study the gospel, play games, and watch movies.  On my phone.  In little 10 minute intervals, here and there.
• What the Dog Saw, by Malcolm Gladwell. One of the stories he talks about in this book is the Dog Whisperer, who has a certain calm energy that allows him to "rehabilitate dogs and train their owners." So I started watching some of the episodes of this reality TV show (in the aforementioned small doses).  Cesar Millan's philosophy with dogs is Body-Mind-Spirit; or in other words: focused exercise for the dog, pack-leader mentality for the person (which helps the dog to know his place, correcting bad behaviors), and affection.  In that order.  It got me to wondering if some of this philosophy could be used on children.  Especially lately, with temperatures in the extreme cold, my kids have developed cabin fever.  It is definitely hard for them to behave and get along with all that pent up energy.  1) They need exercise.  2) It is my job to guide my children and offer discipline (in the form of punishment, yes, but also in the form of giving them responsibility and structure). 3) My children need to know that I love them; and that I respect them; and that food, shelter, clothing, etc., is my service to them.  But of course my children are not dogs, and their psychology is not that simple.
• Nanny 911.  So it got me to wondering what reality TV shows might have addressed parenting issues, and I came across Nanny 911.  I have only watched a few episodes (intermittently).  Instead of learning anything new, I have been shocked at the clueless-ness of the parents.  I suppose I am not an expert in child-rearing; I never had any formal education to that end.  But I certainly had loads of informal education watching my own parents.  Some of it I remember (in the form of, "I'm starting to sound like my mother").  Some of it must have been ingrained in me subconsciously.  And some of my skills have been acquired through pondering, problem-solving, asking experts (like my mom), and receiving answers to prayer in tiny doses of inspiration.
• Kids are smart.  They can and will exploit parental weakness.  (Digression here: when I started writing this blog, I spouted off my opinions about child-rearing.  As I've grown, and as my children have grown, I realize that some of my assumptions were naive.  My guess is that after nearly 10 years of parenting, I am still quite naive.  Perhaps some of my opinions today will change again as we continue on this journey.)  So here are some of the things I have learned.  
• Children need sleep.  Sometimes they need to be trained to sleep (i.e. cry it out until they learn how to soothe themselves).  It seems like a mean thing to do, but you are teaching them an important life skill.  In the long run, they will appreciate that you allowed them to learn something hard because they will be happier people who are sleeping properly.
• Children need structure.  Guess what?  Those naps and bedtimes need to be pretty regular.  And actually, they really need to be on a normal-people schedule.  Society demands that we start our day and end it at certain times.  Most people have 8 to 5 jobs.  Even if you don't have a job like that, school starts and ends on normal-people schedule.  If your kid can't get up decently early, he will struggle with the societal norms.  He will need to go to school.  He will need to get a job.  We are not just having children to "play house," but it is our responsibility to help our children to be prepared to take care of themselves.  Also, children need to eat on a regular schedule.  Their digestive systems will thank you, not to mention a whole host of health issues that can arise from not eating enough, or eating too much, or not eating enough variety.
• They also thrive on a daily routine.  I'm not suggesting that you have an extremely rigid routine every day.  I certainly don't do that.  But regularly scheduled play times and quiet times are in good order, and they can help the child know what's coming next (and the hope is that they will respond positively and whine less...).
• Children need rules and consequences.  And then they need consistency.  When they know what to expect, they learn good behavior more quickly.  Read: kids crave boundaries.  Boundaries make us feel safe.  It is no different with kids.
• Children need to hear the word NO.  They need to understand which behaviors are unacceptable.  They need consistent consequences when they exhibit those behaviors.  Tantrums are not okay.  Parents, coddling or giving into tantrums is not okay.
• Children need to work.  NEED.  This is right up there with food and water, folks.  Seriously, how do you think your adult kid is going to find food and water if he can't work?  And if I had to do everything around here, we'd all be going crazy.  There are seven of us now.  The more children I have, the more obvious that EVERYONE NEEDS TO PITCH IN!  Kids can clean up after themselves.  They can pick up their toys.  They can help put dishes away.  They can sort laundry.  They can entertain each other.  When they get older and more coordinated, they can operate a broom, then a toilet bowl brush, then a vacuum, then a lawn mower.  It cannot be a free ride.  Being in a family means that we help each other!  I get it: the job is not going to be done as well as if I did it myself.  But frankly, sometimes that's the only way it gets done at all, with all the other things I have to do.  (And I'm training kids to have good skills in the meantime.)  I'm totally okay with kids getting the job done, and then me going back and fixing it later if I have time. And kids can be responsible for their own homework and practicing sports or instruments (usually with a little encouragement from mom or dad; and sometimes a ride).
• Mom is a facilitator.  Mom is the oil that keeps things running smoothly.  That does not mean that Mom does everything.  In our house, that usually means Mom is up to her elbows in dirty laundry, dirty dishes, or dirty diapers; calling out requests (nicely-worded orders) to her children.  Not everything is going to get done every day (my perfectionist side is trying to come to terms with this).  And sometimes you get enough done before sitting down and taking a break or playing with the kids.  Our motto is: We Work Hard, Then We Play Hard.
• Kids need to play!  Much of the work they do looks like play.  But have you ever noticed how much they are learning by playing?  For example, a baby learning to roll over (such as my little Benjamin right now) WORKS REALLY HARD to figure out where to put his arms, and how to move his head, and how to swing his hips over.  It's hard work!!!  What I love about observing babies is that they never give up.  They don't view it as work, but they are motivated because they think they are playing.  I need to be more like that!

So don't get me wrong.  These are my observations of what works.  These are not my list of accomplishments, by any stretch of the imagination.  We have certainly done our fair share of trial and error.  And the errors have caused a lot of frustration.  In fact, some of the things that have worked have started out extremely frustrating; but after much consistency we've had breakthroughs with our children.  The grind of consistency has paid off.  I think the most important observation is that my kids are happy and well-behaved most of the time.  They are comfortable hearing the word "No." They get excited to help out (sometimes).  They are respectful to other adults and children.  They are happy to be part of a loving, working family.

The end.